Tuesday, August 03, 2004

What the HELL is Going ON?

I know that’s what you all are thinking.  That’s what I’d be thinking.  No, let me correct that.  That *is* what I have been thinking.  Trust me, I’ve been thinking it a lot lately.

I don’t really know when it all started.  Maybe it didn’t start at any point, maybe it’s always been this way.  The thing is, the past four months have been especially rough because I have really come to realize that TDO and I are simply room mates, and not very interactive room mates at that.  We no longer fight, but that’s the scary part.  We haven’t fought in ages.  We just… don’t care.  When you get to that point, you know something is terribly, horribly wrong.

Let me give you some examples.  I cook dinner for him, but I don’t eat with him.  We go grocery shopping together, but only to cut the time in half so we don’t have to waste as much time together.  He’ll take one cart, I take the other, we head off in separate directions, he with his list, me with mine.  We merge back together long enough to put everything on one tab.  When we get home, the kids and I put groceries away and he, well, disappears.

He disappears a lot.  Over the last four months, he’s been gone all of the time.  He’s always had issues with his three hour, $300 hair cuts.  In fact, that is such an inside joke that everyone who knows us, knows this inside joke.  If he leaves to pick up milk and we have guests over, they’ll all tease him in some form or fashion about how long they expect him to be gone.  The thing is, those three hours have turned into days.  Over the last four months, the only time he comes home is to sleep and he’s rarely sleeping more than five or six hours here.  I’m not kidding.  He’ll mosey on home from work at about 7am (mind you, he gets off work at 4am) see Devon off to summer school, then be gone again until roughly noon.  Sometimes noon turns into one or two in the afternoon, but it’s just a rough estimate.  He’ll sleep until somewhere between five and seven in the evening and then he takes off for work and the whole process starts over again.

I do the bedtime routine.  I do the homework with the kids.  I do all the cooking, cleaning and most of the shopping.  I do all the yard work.  I pay all of our bills.  In fact, I manage all the finances.  I keep track of all the birthdays and other holidays.  I make the doctor appointments and make sure that the kids keep them.  The only thing I don’t do is work a full time job to earn the money for our family.  That is the only thing he does do.  Granted, he spends more than 1/5 of it every month on his selfish whims and wiles, but he does support our family financially.

That’s not enough for me.

Call me selfish, but I want a partner.  I want someone who helps me make decisions and who helps me raise the kids.  I want someone who puts his own laundry in the hamper and takes his own dishes to the sink.  I want someone who asks before dropping $7,000 on computer equipment, particularly when he knows that money is owed elsewhere.  I want someone who respects me enough to tell me he’s going out, and hey, if he asks if I want to come along, bonus points.  I want someone who not only wants to be around me, but actually enjoys it. 

At this point, I guess I want a miracle.

I’m so tired of people who’ve been married for two or three years who don’t have kids, or who have kids under a year old telling me, “Oh, I know exactly how it is.”  No offense, but fuck you.  No, you don’t.  I’m so tired of people telling me to yank all the money out of the account and leave.  Fuck you, it’s not that easy.  I’m so tired of people telling me to suck it up and deal that my life is pretty fucking sweet, and hey at least I have someone.  Fuck you.  No, it’s not and no I don’t. 

See?  That whole pessimistic side of me showing.  It’s not who I really am, but it is who I have become.  Negative.  Angry.  Resentful.  Bitter.  Hateful.  I really don’t want or need any feedback and certainly no advice, no matter how well meant.  I will ask you (personally and privately, probably) if I want advice.  And probably, I don’t.  This is just something that TDO and I will have to work out on our own.  One way or the other things will work out, but right now I feel like things are pretty damned bleak.  Tomorrow?  Well, we’ll see about tomorrow.  Right now, I’m just playing it day by day.

We’re going away together for a couple of days.  He won’t be able to run away to the coffee shop and I won’t be able to run away to the computer.  If nothing else, we’ll have to face ourselves, if not each other.  Hopefully, this will clear up some of the mystery and we’ll be able to see more clearly whether or not there’s a path ahead of us, or a turn in the road.

Posted by Mommy at 07:50 AM

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