Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Anne’s House of Dreams

If y’all haven’t read the Anne of Green Gables series, then it’s gonna be hard to relate, but in gist… remember Anne’s House of Dreams?  It was THE house - it was the first time in the series of books where everything just sort of fell into place and went right.  Her and Gilbert were finally together and happy and the house was the very perfectest house in the whole world and she loved it and wanted to stay there foreverty ever.

She loved that house.  She was so attached.  And even after all the painful things that happened there (the stillborn baby, for example…) she still was so rooted there.  But when her family grew and grew and Gil was like, “yo, we need a bigger crib” she was like, “yeah but…” and he’s like “Yeah, um… now?” and she’s like “*sigh* Ok, yeah.”  So they moved.  (Like my paraphrasing?)

So they moved and she was “fine” moving to a bigger place where their hoard of children could have room to grow and play, but ever after she always longingly thought of her “house of dreams” and it always made me so sad for her that she had to move on for practical reasons.

OK… so… my point.

This house was my “house of dreams”.  When I sort of outlined what I was looking for in a house with my husband, THIS was it.  In the mountains, in the trees, big deck, secluded bedroom, rock fireplace, garden…. it was everything.  Having been here 11 years, I’m acutely aware of all the irritating things that make it less than dreamy, too.  Some of the things we started to fix and never finished and some we never got around to or didn’t have the money for and so forth.  But… it’s still the house I thought we would be in foreverty.  Or that we’d “upgrade” to an even dreamier house of dreams when/if we did leave.  But we wouldn’t leave, right?

And now it looks like we very well might.  And I need to.  I hate it here.  I hate the triggers.  I hate that every time I drive to the chiropractor I’m inundated with memories and feelings that are painful and frustrating and regress me back to an earlier stage of healing.  I hate that I can’t even serve on jury duty without the fear of having a total breakdown (or having to face the OW!!)  I hate being here.  But… my house of dreams!

I have reconciled with the fact that this may be painful, but also necessary if I want to move forward.  If ya don’t like blueberries, you don’t keep ordering blueberry pancakes, right?  So why stay in a place that continuously inhibits healing and moving on??

But?  My house of dreams! *whimper*

TDO put his transfer papers in today.  We will probably not know whether or not the transfer is accepted until July 21.  Tentatively, the kids and I will move in August before school starts.  This is a lot of change in a very short amount of time and is riddled with a lot of issues (like living apart from TDO for four months).  Even if it ultimately will be the best thing for us, I am still mourning leaving behind this house.  I can only hope that the next place is even more perfect and not just passable, like I felt Anne settled for when she left her House of Dreams.

Posted by Liberty at 06:30 AM

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