Sunday, August 29, 2010

Polite Responses

(Edited, or rather, finished 8/30/10 - I didn’t realize it wasn’t saving as a draft and rather was published.  Oops.)

Polite responses are a necessary part to every day conversations. When someone asks, “How are you?” the response is supposed to be something to the effect of, “Fine, thanks.” This polite interaction is necessary on many levels. We want people to think we care so we ask. We want to keep the conversation brief and upbeat so we reply, “Fine.” It all seems very simple and civilized.

So why do I suck so hard at it? 

Seriously, I have no filters. I know I’m supposed to ask, but sometimes I genuinely don’t care or don’t want to know.  I know I’m supposed to respond courteously, but the painfully honest side of me wants to respond wih painful honesty.

It doesn’t make it easier when I’m coping with FMS stuff, either, because I’m usually in “survival mode” so I don’t have any extra energy to expend on courtesy.  “Fine,” becomes “Wretched,” and “So how are you?” becomes, “Hey, I can’t stick around, I need to get out of here.”  I hate that it all comes out that way, but I don’t know how to do any better, especially when I’m running on reserves.  It’s all I can do most “bad days” not to whine and complain to every person I meet about how tired I am and how much I hurt, much less to put on all the polite censors so that words come out cheerful and courteous.  Heck, even on my good days, I don’t really have adequate and up-to-date practice on how to converse in a civilized manner.

And yet…

Polite and courteous responses help in polite and courteous situations.  What about in more intimate settings?  What about between lovers and friends?  Are these responses still appropriate?  I hardly think so.  While I understand the need (both for brevity and in order to avoid social discomfort) in keeping things simple, positive, and brief, but with the people we cherish and love, should the censors be turned way low (or even off?) or are we supposed to maintain that distance at all times?  Clearly (at least to me) - not.  So why do we?

In a day and age where people offer up Tweets and status messages of everything from bowel statuses to menu planning, it hardly seems like anyone is holding back, and yet in face to face discourse, I see superficial courtesy.  I see people lying to each other.  It’s so clear to me as I watch it unfold before me in a waiting room, at a restaurant, in a meeting, how very disconnected we all are from truth and honesty and openness.  Perhaps this is why we crave Twitter and Facebook so much - it affords us an uncensored, random, unscheduled, completely open ended conversations where folks say just about anything (and everything) that pops into their heads.  We are so closed off and separated from people around us, we have to open the flood gates and let it all come out online.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m infamous for my online emotional barfing.  Isn’t that precisely what this blog is, after all?  This is my therapy.  This is my outlet.  This is my catch-pan for the puke that has no where else to go.  In some ways, this is why I don’t blog anymore.  Not because I’ve found another outlet, but because I resent the hell out of having to have a place to catch it all.  I want so desperately to have this face to face and in person with someone I trust and cherish and who trusts and cherishes me.  I just don’t have faith that such a relationship can exist anymore - at least not with me.

Perhaps I am too broken.  Perhaps my world has grown too small.  Perhaps circumstances just won’t allow for it at this point in time.  Maybe I’m just too used to puking in an emotional bowl that I can’t find a healthier way to convey emotions.

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