Saturday, August 07, 2010

Stuck In A Moment

It still occasionally will strike me from out of the blue, those memories from so, so long ago.  One of his pieces of art popped up as a background image on my computer - it rotates through the folder, but there are hundreds of pictures so it hadn’t yet (that I had noticed) popped up.  Not until today.  Today when other memories were drudged up through other means.

I studied the image for a long, long time.  It’s exactly what I would have requested, even though he made it for someone else.  The delicate point of the ears, the big, seductive eyes, the sweet, but not overly large bosom, the clothes fashioned from nature.  It’s a stunning piece.  Her hand is wrong, but it’s still a beautiful piece.

He found me once - a vanity search for his own name.  As far as I know, he backed away pretty quickly after initial contact.  Sometimes you just can’t go back down paths you’ve traveled before.  Too dangerous.  Too painful.  He has more self control than I, though.  If I could peek in his windows from time to time, I probably would.  Curiosity, I suppose.  I don’t think I’d make contact, though.  It’d just be interesting to see how things have landed.

It’s a strange mood that’s taken me the last few days.  It’s like being thirsty only no matter how much you drink, you can’t fill the thirst.  It’s like… well… as a friend said tonight, it’s like being in your own house with your kids upstairs and still having a driving need to “go home”.  It really struck me that she said that, though I’m sure it came from a different place than mine. 

I’m sure mine stems from the beast lurking in the dark places waiting for the opportunity to whisper lies and hurt.  So far, I’ve kept the beast at bay.  It’s a bit early in the year for this, but not entirely unheard of.  Last year was so bad… but this year is when I’m “due” for bad so I worry that it’ll be rougher than last year.  I hope not.  I don’t know that I can weather that kind of storm.  Let’s just hope that I can bounce the wheel out of this rut and move out of this moment before I’m overrun.

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