§ Music

Monday, July 28, 2008

cause I no longer know

every day there’s a boy in the mirror
asking me
what are you doing here
finding all my previous motives
growing increasingly unclear
Kings of Convenience

When I was a girl, I used to sometimes lay awake trying to contemplate the future.  Sometimes only the near-ish future, maybe a year or two from then, sometimes much, much further into the future.  I even remember reading something at some point about how one needed to visualize where they wanted to be in five years in order to hold to their vision of what they wanted for their life.  Almost always, I found it impossible.  There were times it would literally send me into panic attacks where I’d sweat, cry, clutch at my throat and chest thinking that I was doomed to die.  It was as if trying to look into the future was impossible because the future only head certain death and scrying into my future was impossible or so painful because all that existed was doom. 

Still.  There were things I knew I wanted, things I knew had to be.  I believed with heart and soul that everything that was important and everything I believed in with my very core would stay constant and forever.  There were things that I just knew I would hold on to no matter what came - certain doom or no.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew some things would leave.  There were no delusions of existing without pain or never having to let go of anything.  I knew my grandmother would die.  I mourned her years before she died because I hated to know that I would have to one day let go of her.  But even in that, I plotted out how it would be in my head.  I planned how I would act and react.  I imagined myself graceful and sad, but I imagined myself holding her in my hand like a fragile leaf and letting her drift away with the wind, grateful for the moment I had to revel in her beauty and wonder at her wisdom, but in my vision I was always ready and willing to let go because I knew, I knew that it had to be.  She had prepared me for that long, long before she ever had to do so.

Somehow, things never quite worked out right.  I tried to be poised.  Grace has never been a particular trait of mine - far from it.  But I tried.  Instead I just shut down.  I shut everything out and got so. Angry.  So.  hurt.  It wasn’t what I thought it would be.  Because everything was wrong.

It feels like my whole life has been that way.  There were pictures in my head of how it would be, and those pictures have curled and faded in the dark corners of my mind.  There are dreams and hopes and loves and comforts I never thought I’d let go of that have drifted away forever.  I can’t even imagine trying to reclaim them - they aren’t mine anymore, they belong to someone else, someone very different from me, or at least the me I am now. 

Gone.  And the best word I can use for this aching feeling inside me is homesickness, though the “home” isn’t necessarily Colorado, not exactly.  It’s just… pieces of me wrapped up there that I have left behind forever.  Sometimes… sometimes I’m so busy I forget just how homesick I am, just how much I ache inconsolably.  It’s not that I stop aching, it’s just that I get distracted.  Then, sometimes, it hits me all at once, so hard it literally knocks me breathless.  And so I sit, and gasp, and wonder, have I cheated myself? 

And the thing is, we all change, I know this, but… but.  If we could look at each other in the mirror, I know the person I was would be so hurt, so torn apart, so absolutely devastated by the me that is that she would not have wanted to see the future for anything.  She would have curled up in a wild panic and shut out the future in fear and terror and horrific painful disappointment.

Oh.

Right.

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