§ Music

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Gender Language Barriers

Tonight I had an absolute breakdown.  I was promised the chance to sleep in.  I was promised a “day off” from some of the pressures and stress.  After finally signing all the paperwork for the house (let the people rejoice!!) I thought for certain I’d feel a little more relaxed and calm.  Instead, I just feel like I have permission to finally fall apart.  It’s not over yet.  I can’t fall apart, I just can’t.

After trying to explain how overwhelmed I was feeling to my husband, he translated everything I said into a whole other language.  The conversation went something like this:

I Said:  It’s so frustrating not feeling like I have enough energy and time to conquer all of the projects at hand. 

He Heard: You jerk.  You don’t do anything around here.

I Said:  It absolutely kills me that I didn’t help more when dealing with the credit issues and the details of the loan.

He Heard:  You can’t do anything right.  Why did it take you so long to figure that stuff out?  I could have done it so much better than you.

I Said:  I feel like such a failure.  Devon hasn’t done his homework on time, I haven’t been able to get all the cleaning done around the house.  I haven’t even started packing.

He Heard:  You make me do everything.  Why haven’t you done all this?

So after he started bitterly apologizing for being the screwup of the world, I tried again.  And again.  And again.

Finally, I burst into tears and explained to him that it isn’t about him.  It’s about me.  It’s not about how little he does.  It’s not even about how it all too big for me.  It’s about how I’m too small.  I hate that.  I hate being weak and stupid and helpless.  I hate being the sidekick.  I hate failing.

He still doesn’t get that.  Usually, when I cry, he’ll at least pretend to listen for a few minutes.  Instead he just got frustrated and left.  He came back and fell asleep on the couch while I started typing this.  I’m at a loss as to what to do.  I guess what we always do.  He’ll bury it and forget it ever happened and I’ll let it fester.  We never learn.

In spite of it all, I do feel excited about the house and a little sad at leaving friends behind and nervous about meeting new people and ... and… so much more.  And it’s nice to know I’m not a total failure that sometimes… every once in a great while, I do something just a little bit not-wrong.  Or.  Something.

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2002

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