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Sunday, April 21, 2002

To Have or Not to Have…

Yesterday, we did some shopping.  The boys needed new sandals, I wanted to pick up some flowers for my flowerboxes, and hubby wanted to look at the selection of DVDs.  It struck me, while we were out, (not for the first time) that we are very comfortable right now.  I’m so very glad and so very grateful to be where we are.

We spent so many years struggling, so many years going without and living on Top Ramen and a prayer that I just can’t believe how good things are right now.  We had to beg, borrow, and sometimes lie just to be able to live.  I think I went three years without buying even one book.  Books, after all, are luxuries.  I would go without books, CD’s and makeup, just so my son wouldn’t have to go without diapers, Cheerios, and thrift store clothes.  I can’t even count the times we had to borrow money from my grandparents or TDO‘s parents.  Money that we’ve never repaid.  Honestly?  It was never expected of us to repay it.  People knew we were doing the best we could with what we had.

There were so many really wonderful people who helped us.  When my services provider in Barstow shut down, an acquaintance set me up with Earthlink.  She spent probably two years paying for service for me while we struggled to catch up and pay off other bills.  When we had no money to go out, and no family around to watch our kids, neighbors pitched together and gave us a “date” for our anniversary.  We’ve been very blessed along the way and many people stepped up and helped out when they didn’t have to.

Of course, during those times, I remember feeling grateful, yes, but also guilty.  Ashamed.  Embarrassed.  I felt I was imposing.  I felt I was making those other people have to make do or go without in order to make my life more comfortable.  Looking back, I can firmly say that they only offered what they could afford to offer.  Not one of them helped when they didn’t want to.  Those who chose not to assist us, chose not to in no uncertain terms, and those who helped gave freely from the heart because they loved and cherished us.

So much has changed since then.  Recently, I have found my heart heavy with guilt.  I have so much while so many have so little.  A few months ago, I felt bad for being in the process of buying a house when people I knew were in a position where they were no longer going to be able to stay in the home they had known for years.  When we bought the minivan, I felt like I didn’t deserve it.  When we finally had two newer cards, I felt like something bad was going to happen to one, I was just sure of it, because I had gone so long without having a car of my own.  It just seemed more normal not to have, than to have.

For awhile, I thought I could be charitable and somehow rid myself of my guilt.  I gave and gave and gave until I literally had nothing left to give.  What startled me and caused so much dismay is that apparently the help I was trying to offer wasn’t wanted.  Instead of a smile, a hug, a thank you, I received resentment.  Oh sure, a certain devotion, but that was mostly just obligation.  All that time I was trying to do what so many had done for me in the past, I don’t think I was doing anyone a favor, least of all myself.  I still felt guilty, and it doesn’t seem to me those that I tried to help really cared or appreciated what I was trying to do.

So, I’m forced to ask myself, is it better to feel guilty because I have to get help from others, or is it worse to feel guilty to have while others around me go without?  To that, I must say conclusively, it is better to have.  I’m glad I don’t have to cry myself to sleep every night because I’m literally physically ill worrying over bills we can’t hope to ever pay.  I’m glad to be able to go places and do things.  It’s good to know that if an emergency comes up, a car breaks down, a window gets broken, we will be able to fix whatever it is that needs fixing.  It’s good to know that we are moving ahead and doing more with our lives than we were.  It’s nice to feel successful.

I’m so tired of beating myself up.  I can’t save the world.  I still want to, yes.  I still want to make my friends and neighbors happy.  I still want them to have all that I have and more.  Sadly, I can’t seem to accomplish that.  Instead, I’ll be grateful and take advantage of the luxuries I have, and when asked, if it is within my power I will gladly offer a helping hand.

No more guilties.  There’s no need.  I’ve done nothing wrong in moving ahead in my life.  When I buy my new Cielo? bathtub, I won’t feel bad or guilty or ashamed.  I will sit back in my tubby, situated in my new house, and I will relax and be grateful for the life I have.

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2002

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