Sunday, May 09, 2004
Disconnected
Updates have been few and far between. I still wonder if it’s not a phase and more just the beginning of the end of CSTH. I haven’t decided and I’m not ready to make that commitment one way or another, yet. RIght now I think my main issue is simply feeling disconnected and not quite sure how to reconnect.
Part of the issue is that TDO recently moved to graveyard shift. This means he wakes up just about dinner time. He might eat with us, but he probably won’t. Then he does his shit/shower/shave routine and briefly kisses my cheek before dashing out the door. I’m left to do homework, bedtime and bathtime routines all by myself, which is not unusual since I have always done those by myself. (When he’s not working graveyards, he’s working midshift, so he still gone those hours.) Then he doesn’t come back until just before the kids wake up. Sometimes he’ll stay up late enough to get the boys off to school or sometimes he just crashes and I’m left with morning rituals, too.
Nights are hell. I’m so used to staying up until he gets home and then going to bed when he does. I can’t do that when he doesn’t get home until 5am. Even when I try to sleep I struggle because I keep thinking I’m forgetting something. In reality, it’s simply that I’m missing something, or, rather, someone.
I’m sure I’ll eventually get the new routine down, but I tell ya, I hate graveyard shift. Big time. If nights are hell, mornings are even more hellish. I am *not* a morning person. I never have been, ever, in my whole life. As such, it makes it pretty difficult to try to adjust to having to get up and deal with kidlets early in the morning. Usually, TDO at least gets the boys off to school so I don’t have to get up until Jenica wakes up, usually around 9 or 9:30. Yes, I know, I have a cushy life. I _prefer_ the cushy life, though. It’s one of the few benefits to the midshift schedule.
I hate playing single mom. I hate having to pretend he’s not here when he’s sleeping all day, because, well, because he *is* here. Here, but unavailable. Days off? Well, Saturday was a prime example of that. He promised he’d stay up all day. I insisted that he go rest anyhow. He slept from 6am until noon. At noon he groggily managed his way out of bed and then promised to play some computer games with me. it wasn’t until 11pm (almost twelve hours later) that he bothered to get around to playing a game with me. Mind you, he’d been on the computer all day, just not doing anything interacting with me. I was (am?) pretty crushed.
So yeah, happy Mother’s Day to me. At 11:30 he went to bed. Ok, yeah, 6 hours of sleep isn’t probably enough, but it’s more than I’ve had in any one night in the last week. I’m still up. I won’t be able to sleep for awhile yet because I’m too disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. I guess that’s some kind of connection.
It’s like I’m living outside my head, wandering in the fuzzy logic of the nether and trying to fuction as if I were still in my head. I see the motion around me, hear the words, but I can’t understand what’s really being said and there is no feeling in this fuzzy numbness.
Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just _tired_. Maybe I really just need a change of pace or a new project. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe I really am just out of my head. Or, out of my mind.
In Other Years:
Transcendentalism - a guest entry (2002)
I wondered when my prying, pressing meddling would wind up among the annals of this journal, and here I am…[Read More]