<< Previous | Next >>

Sunday, August 15, 2004

A Snivling Mess

bq. I woke up,
tried to get dressed
but I was alarmed, I was distressed
though I always, always try to do my best
I had become a sniveling mess

Where did these tears come from?  Everything seemed alright, less the argument “TDO”:http://colorfully-see-through-head.com/index.php?p=105 and I had over me being getting a phone call during a movie we were watching.  (Don’t stress it, Andrea, it’s not your fault, he was just being an asshat and later admitted as much.)  It has certainly dragged me into a mood, though.

bq. will you love me if I’m a mess
hold on I want to make sure you comprehend
hold on I need you to be comfortable
did you understand what I am
with that resolved I guess I’ll go
pack my bags, move to Borneo
when I get there, I’ll live in a tree
I’m tellin all y’all that’s where I’ll be
if you need me

I’m in a mood.  If I could run away for awhile, I certainly would.  Borneo might be a bit far, but I don’t see any reason I couldn’t drive two hours to the beach and just slide into the water and float away.  Realistically, now that things seem relatively calm, I know that this is the time when my inner self will finally just let go and fall apart.  It’s “safe” to fall apart now, but I really and truly don’t want to pick up the pieces afterward.

bq. will you love me if I’m a mess
hold on I want to make sure you comprehend
hold on I need you to be comfortable
did you understand what I am
will you you love me if I’m a mess

I haven’t felt this torn in ages.  Part of me wants to tear my skin away and finally be free, while another part of me clamps everything closed even tighter.  When will I ever learn happy medium?  Never, I suppose.  That’s not how I was really built.  Maybe a really good, really hard, really gut wrenching sob or three hundred would do me some good.  When did I start feeling this strange compulsion to hold it all together and avoid letting go of this?  I’ve been learning to let go of everything else.  The tears have been compromised, I guess.

So… if I do fall apart, will you still love me?  Will I still be strong?  Will I still be worthy?  Will I still be fun?  Will I still be a joy?  Will I still bring light to your life?  Or will it shatter the truth and shut everything down forever?

Posted by Mommy on 08/15 at 04:59 AM
Posted under: ColorfulThe Soundtrack

<< Previous | Next >>

Comments

Name:

Email:

Location:

URL:

Smilies

Remember my personal information

Notify me of follow-up comments?