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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Always

I’ve loved you for so long that
I don’t know how to hold back or let go
or put all the dreams we had on hold.
I’ve loved you for so long that I can’t remember
how it was before you
and I’m not quite sure how to act without you
or stop hoping it’s you
each time the phone rings.
I’ve loved you for so long
that I can’t imagine not hearing your voice
or seeing your smile
or sharing my days and nights with you.

I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t think
I’ll ever be able to stop.

October 16, 1997

Because it all came crashing in today when I heard your voice again.  I smelled the soap you used.  I noticed the twinkle you got in your eye after winking at me.  Of course, it wasn’t really your twinkling, your wink, your soap, or your voice.  Simple echoes of the past reflected in the present.

“And every day I see you with some other face.  They crack a smile, talk awhile and try to take your place.  My memory, serves me far too well.” George Michael.

I hate that I still love you.  I hate that you still have power over me.  And yet… I love it.  I revel in it.  I delight in the passion remembered.  I thrill in the emotion you can still draw from me - the emotions that remind me how very alive and real and _human_ I am.  Damn you.  I’ve loved you so long, but I loved you for so short a time.  Where are you now?  Are you happy?  Truly?  Do you miss our pookas and shared dreams and teasing me about the silly games I play?  I’ve come a long way.  Have you?  Do you remember standing in the window, looking out, dreaming of a future that never happened?  Do you ever wonder?  Do you ever wish?

Of all the entries I’ve read so far… this one is the biggest rut I’ve encountered, the one I don’t feel like I’ll ever climb out of in this lifetime.  Maybe never in any lifetime.  Maybe years of therapy would help.  Maybe years of therapy would only tear the scabs off repeatedly.  There’s a saying: “Some wounds heal with time, some wounds leave a scar, and some wounds never stop bleeding.”

You were mostly the third.

Always is a long time, but you have my always.  I didn’t think I’d be able to stop.  Obviously, I didn’t.

But you did.

Congratulations.

Posted by Liberty on 12/04 at 01:35 AM
Posted under: See-Through31 DaysUnsent Letters

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