Saturday, January 20, 2007
And So It Begins…
It started quite simply. A comment on my website which began, “I think you could be my sister. I’ve wanted to talk to you and know you for so long.”
A hoax? A cruel prank? Spam? Mistaken identity. A couple of emails later, solid confirmation. Suddenly a flood gate of emotions, thoughts, and questions filled my head.
I’ve not slept much the last few days. The first night, I was anxious and worried, nervous and excited. My biggest fear was that my inquiry as to whether or not the comment was real or a hoax would be ignored or lost. The second night my mind raced with the possibilities and the fears of what all this could entail. The third night, I was swamped with Scouts and feeling… tangled. Grateful. Curious. Tired. Very tired. Soul tired. The tired that comes from pushing your thoughts as far and fast as they can go trying to calculate the chances of anything good (or bad) coming from all this. Tonight, well, tonight I am sort of shell shocked. I am feeling more at ease though still clinging to a healthy amount of trepidation. I suppose the initial fear was of being tormented and teased… somehow tricked into believing something that wasn’t what it seemed. That fear evolved into a wary stance of wondering, “What do you want?” of this newfound brother. Now the shift is on this irrational fear of being abandoned. Here today… gone. Forever.
You see, he wouldn’t be the first of his namesake to leave me. Our father did as well, starting a long and arduous journey for me in regards to learning to trust (men especially.) Because, in my mind, I can trust no one. No man will stay around. No friend will be there always. While TDO has done a good job of hanging in there for over twelve years, I still panic when we argue and he leaves to cool off. As irrational as it is, I assume he’s leaving me… forever.
On the flip side, there is this puppyish eagerness in wanting to know someone who shares not only genetics, but also some of the same struggles, interests and beliefs. Based on what little I have gleaned over the last few days, he is someone that, having happened upon him in some random way on the ‘net, I would make every effort to maintain a friendship and get to know him as true and genuine friends. For once in my life, I feel honestly wanted and the fact that he is “family” at least in the biological sense, only heightens my joy.
Sifting through the past has been difficult for us both. Not only do we have our own childhood traumas to evaluate, now we’re in a position to share our experiences and try to decide what we “remember” or “know” and what is the human brain filling in blanks, making up memories, intentionally blocking out rough moments, and in the end, making a quilt of reality and imagination. Things are not seamless, and at times it bothers me seeing gaping holes or frayed edges. I am cautious to pull too firmly on the fabric as I don’t know how I would feel to see it tear, knowing I would never again have the energy or motivation to patiently reconstruct what little has been assembled as of yet. Some of the pieces could be filled in more easily if my mother were not so ill, nor so stubborn. Some of the pieces may lie with my biological father, but those are pieces I can not accept at this time; maybe not ever.
I can’t tell you how many times over the last few days I have uttered the words, “I have a brother.” Well, of course I have a brother. I have two. But wait. Now I have four. It’s a confusing jumble of a family tree, with roots as tangled as the branches. So now, living siblings I can claim by blood, by marriage, or otherwise… Jerry, Lorry, Donna, Justin, Chris, Mandy and Elijah… by order of age. Seven. Which is, of course, my magic number. How ... odd. I’ve always believed that everything happened for a reason, but this is definitely verging on eerie.
I’ve not asked for permission to discuss all this here, but then, I don’t generally ask permission when I write. Still, it feels a discourtesy and for that, Chris, I apologize. There is no intent to put all this out there for public consumption, but these pages are my therapy, my way to work through situations in my head more clearly, and to have a time line on which to reflect as I grow and learn. This is definitely a big one for me to work through and try to wrap my brain around.
So. Yes. I have a brother… another brother, rather. And I’m beginning to like him a great deal, even when it scares me beyond reason.
I don’t know when, where, or how this will end, but I can clearly see that it has most definitely begun.
Erica at 01/20/07 05:11 PM
Desiree at 01/21/07 08:56 AM
Woah… that is wild! I can’t imagine such a finding via your blog—- via a comment!
Angie at 01/23/07 05:43 PM
Wow. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through.
Tamara at 01/24/07 01:26 PM
Wow, mind-blowing. ((hugs))