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Sunday, January 02, 2011

Betrayal

~ Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love. ~  John LeCarre

And thus, if you never want to be betrayed, never love.  Login to read “the full story”.

Betrayal is an odd thing.  Okay. No.  Not odd.  Devastating. 

There is nothing worse in this world than having the carpet pulled out from under one.  Regardless of whether one’s beliefs lie in religion, the government, an ideal, or just a single human being - when one invests so wholly in a belief that something is real and true only to find out that, in fact, it was not at all as one believed it, it is very difficult to find footing again.  Especially if that belief was the security blanket and comfort that wound its way through most insecurities, failings, and frailties.

Arthur Miller said it best, “Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.”  After one has been betrayed, that is the only truth that feels believable.  It’s as though all the experiences and beliefs - some of which may have been as much truth and reality as anything - have become corrupted and turned to lies.  The dark voice inside us, the one that nudges depression, the one that feeds insecurity, the one that nurtures fear and resentment, it becomes the only voice that can be heard in the din of voices.  No matter how much love and belief and trust was there, that dark voice masks it and weaves its way through the very fiber of every belief and thought until such a tight, dark blanket is woven that it’s almost impossible to see - or even believe in - light beyond the darkness.

At this point, my own sense of betrayal has run the gamut of secondary or reactionary emotions.  I have felt rage as I have only rarely known.  I have hated him.  I have hated her.  I have hated myself.  I have felt anguish as I have never known.  I have felt vindictive.  I have felt horror stricken.  I have felt fragile.  I have felt worn thin to the fabric of my soul.  I have felt desolate.  I have felt desperate. I have felt trapped.  I have felt resigned.  I have even felt hopeful.

The endless, angry, desperate, barrage of questions (namely “WHY?”) have mostly quieted, only resurfacing as new evidence or as old evidence bubbles back up.  I realize there is no reason that will ever fully satisfy me because there is no reason.  This situation is so tightly packed with volatile human emotion - hardly something reasonable - that at best answers would have to come walking in on eggshells and heavily armored, and at worst, well, explosive is an understatement to describe the outcome.  But just because I have stopped asking “whywhywhywhywhy” aloud and in my head doesn’t mean that I feel things resolved. 

In my “strong” moments, I resign myself to finding solutions to try to guard myself - some reasonable, some completely and utterly off base. 

In my weak moments I blame myself and in my weakest moments feel that this is some deserved punishment for crimes known or unknown.

There is a resonant insecurity that I can’t shake.  There is a reverberating depression that hums in low anguish at all times. 

There are moments when I have to check to make sure I’m still breathing because I’m not entirely sure I remember how.

Sometimes I wish I could stop remembering how.

Posted by Liberty on 01/02 at 02:50 AM
Posted under: See-Through

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Comments

Cathy Cathy  at  01/02/11 08:54 AM

You and I are two peas…
I can handle/forgive/get over most anything, but being lied to puts me over the edge. I have been where you are now and I am sorry that you are living and trying to survive this. It isn’t fair and no one deserves such betrayal, no matter their personal faults.

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