Friday, May 16, 2008
Decisions, Decisions.
As a parent, I am tasked with the impossible: finding a balance.
If you have kids, you probably know what I mean.
I am supposed to lay down boundaries and establish a safe zone in which my kids can grow and learn, and yet I need to expose them to enough of the world and give them enough freedom so that they are not stunted or completely unable to cope when they themselves are adults (and parents) and have to live outside the safety and security of the nest I build for them. I am supposed to support them while teaching them to stand on their own. I need to be firm, and yet I want to be fun. It’s a constant teeter totter for me because, quite often, what I want to do conflicts severely with what I need to do.
Take the whole issue of freedom and choices. I want my kids to grow up to realize they have options. I want them to know that they shouldn’t just throw up their hands and give up when they face a tough problem, because there are choices, they have options, there will be solutions. Surely, not every problem has an ideal solution, but all too often, we (humanity in general) give up because we are unwilling or unable to broaden our perspective to see solutions that exist. However, when given too many choices kids are left frustrated and defeated because it’s simply too much to handle. As a parent, that means I have to limit choices early on and keep things as simple as I can without dumbing it down too much.
“Do you want the red blanket or the blue blanket?“ instead of, “Gee, do you feel like going to bed or watching a movie or playing a game or cleaning your room or…“ and all the choices UNDER each of those choices, as well. When the kids were really young, especially, I chose for them what they did at any given time or when they went to bed or, for the most part, what they ate or where they were. However, I tried very hard to offer them choices within that safe mommy bird nest so they could practice figuring out what they wanted. I never really explained to them (or really even realized what I was doing, to be truthful) but I’d simply say, “Do you want to play with play dough or do you want to color?“ These were two choices that were, at the time, only available at the dining room table where I could keep an eye on them while I was making dinner. It wasn’t an option to play outside or go to the zoo or watch TV, because those didn’t fit in to what I needed - and more to the point - to ensuring the safety of their little nest as I saw it at the time.
Most of the time (though not always, to be sure) things weren’t too difficult when the kids were younger, but now that they are getting older, it’s infinitely more difficult. Not only are there more choices, but Devon, especially, is getting to that age where he needs (and I need for him, as well) to see what the options are himself. Instead of “Do you want blue or red?“ he has to acknowledge what the situation is and understand what his own needs are so that he can create his own nest. It’s not as clear as when he was tiny on which choices to limit and which to open up to him. It’s not always obvious when I need to say, “Do you want red or blue?“ or when I should just let him stop and think, “What do I want right now?“ and decide if red and blue are even the options he wants to consider. So yeah, sometimes I still have to limit the choices, but sometimes, I have to give him complete reign and just step back and watch. That part sucks.
As a mom, I have a difficult time watching my kids fail. I hate to see them hurt. I hate to feel like I’m letting them down. There’s also that weird ego thing that moms get, that association to their kids’ success or failure to their own. It’s something I’m well aware of, or try to be, at least, but I still catch myself feeling guilty or personally disappointed when one of my kids makes a poor choice. At times like those, I have to really step way back and realize that they are their own people with their own personalities, preferences, and choices. They get to make their own decisions, no matter how much I try to limit them, so I might as well roll with it and hope they learn as they go along.
Sometimes you have to fall down in order to learn how to run straight.
It’s a tough balance and there’s no padding or helmets or armor to protect anyone.
Especially not us moms.
Posted under:
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Comments
Krush at 05/17/08 06:12 PM
And the fact that you recognize that you do need to let go is what makes you a fabulous parent…mine finally realized it at about 33. 
Angelique at 05/19/08 02:11 PM
Maybe the reason so many kids think “they know it all” is because they never learned to look for more options than “red or blue.“ It takes a great deal of experiences to learn to think “outside the box.“ Many people never learn to think outside the box they’ve been given/chosen. I think you’ve done a great job with your children to date and they’re box is already MUCH larger than the box of many adults.
Pooka at 05/16/08 01:31 PM
First law of thermogoddamix: You have to run into it and feel it HURT before you can make a decision about it. This commonly results in a lot of cussin’ and self-pity at first.
This goes for mommies and daddies watching their children too.
I feel for you. I know it here, too.