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Friday, August 03, 2012

Driving (Me Crazy)

Lately, I’ve had some very vivid, often disturbing dreams.  Not necessarily nightmares, in the classic sense, but more just bad dreams.  Other than general feelings of disappointment, loss, or frustration (to name a few), I don’t generally bring much from my dream world into the waking one.

The other night I dreamed I was in the back seat of my grandparents’ ancient Dodge. It was a huge boat of a car - with no seatbelts - and it was a bitch to drive in a lot of ways.  Both of my grandparents were in the front seat and my brother and sister were in the back with me in the middle. 

It was a pretty typical arrangement for how we used to cruise around.  Except.  (It wouldn’t be worth writing about if that’s all that was to it, right?)  I was driving.  Yeah.  From the backseat.  Yup.

In fairness, I had my own gas/brake pedals and I had a steering wheel - thought it was on the left and I was sitting in the middle, making an already difficult chore even harder.  I couldn’t see well, sitting in the back.  Plus, I wasn’t me, as I am now, a nervous, but still veteran driver with 22 years of driving experience.  I was younger me, not a child - though my sister and brother still were in the dream - but maybe a late teens or early twenties me.  It was scary and frustrating and at times infuriating because my grandparents weren’t helping at all.  Also, my sister and brother were both clearly unhappy with my driving, but refused to help or offer any feedback whatsoever.

I don’t always analyze my dreams.  Sometimes (often) it’s just crap rattling around in my head.  This one had meaning, though. 

See, I don’t pray religiously.  (I couldn’t resist. Ha.)  I do, however, occasionally reach out to the universe in the way that I do and sorta make a plea to the powers-that-be.  I specifically was hoping for a “visit” from my grandparents.  I miss them.  I need them - a lot right now, actually.  I don’t have any parents or parent-like figures around anymore, and I really could use the support.  In any case, whether my subconscious whipped this up or it was divine sent is irrelevant - I got what I asked for. 

The message was clear:

It’s my turn to drive.

Even though I may not feel like the grown-up, and even though I may not be able to see the road well, and even though I may not even be anywhere near the driver’s seat, it’s my turn to drive cos ain’t nobody else gonna do it.  My grandparents are still “around” or are “with me in spirit” but they aren’t going to grab the wheel and put things back on course.  They also trust in me enough to ride along with me, even if I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

And yeah, my sister and brother may not be on board with my skills (or lack thereof) but they aren’t taking the wheel and so they don’t get to say anything.  And yeah, they may be pissed, but they are willingly along for the ride, too. 

I don’t know if I explained that as clearly as it is in my head. 

There’s something immensely satisfying about asking for a sign and getting one as clear as day - even if the sign isn’t what I necessarily wanted or thought I’d get.

Posted by Liberty on 08/03 at 12:15 AM
Posted under: ColorfulSee-Through

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