A PHP Error was encountered

Severity: 8192

Message: Non-static method Gravatar::usage() should not be called statically, assuming $this from incompatible context

Filename: gravatar/pi.gravatar.php

Line Number: 11

A PHP Error was encountered

Severity: Warning

Message: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/woppat/public_html/cherrycoke/codeigniter/system/core/Exceptions.php:170)

Filename: core/Common.php

Line Number: 475

Colorfully-See-Through-Head

<< Previous | Next >>

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Empty Hand, Full Heart

But sister you know I’m so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I’ve lost all care for the things I own
That’s when I miss you, that’s when I miss you, that’s when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
Here is what I know now, brother
Here is what I know now, sister
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

Alexi Murdoch, “Orange Sky”

The box of Christmas goodies is still missing.  We’ll probably never know what happened.  Whether it was carelessness, or outright malicious intent hardly matters.  What’s done is done.

Having the outpouring of emails, comments, IM messages, phone calls, etc. was more salve than I deserved, to be sure.  I am humbled and awed at the kindness that exists not in “this” world, but in my world.  Thank you all. 

Thank you for the shared stories - the knowing I’m not alone, that there are idiotic husbands, bitter sisters, careless room mates, and well, broken hearts that followed.  Thank you for the offers to start a collection, as it were.  Thank you for the shoulders (virtual or real) that were offered to catch my tears.  Mostly, thanks for the offers to move and hide the body, though I will state for public record that my husband is still alive and well.  Probably.  I mean, I haven’t seen him in a few days, but um, he probably just went on one of his drunken binges down to Tijuana and will be back any day.  Um. Yeah.

In the end, I think I was feeling most hurt because I spent Christmas alone most years.  By alone, I don’t mean “cat lady” alone, because of course I have the kids.  The thing is, I grew up with Christmas parties that included no less than a dozen relatives and friends and generally well over twenty guests most years.  There were grandparents, uncles, aunts, people who were somehow related in some way but we weren’t quite sure, friends who came to every family function so they might as well be family, sisters, brothers, cousins… it was always a time to be surrounded in games, food, laughter and fun.  As badly as I want that now for my own family, it just doesn’t happen that way.  Sometimes, I take it personally, thinking that maybe people don’t really want to be around me.  Then I remember how many people have come (sometimes from quite a distance) to visit… and not just once, but on multiple occasions.  Clearly, I don’t suck that badly.  Circumstances, just, well, are what they are.

Anyway, back to my thought before I rambled on, being alone each Christmas is hard on me.  I want big, grand table settings and guests by the scores.  Since I can’t have that, it feels like having my friends and family near, even if only in an ethereal manner, by having little sentimental items to remind me of the people who matter to me, I’m able to at least have a small taste of what feels like “real” Christmas.

Some of the people who gave me some of my old ornaments are long out of my life.  Some have died.  A great many have just gone their own ways.  The thing is, in the here and now there are a lot of people who really matter to me and there are little reminders of their kindness and affection everywhere I look, and not necessarily in things.  I’m still grieving for my loss.  On some level, I think I always will.  At least now, there is huge comfort in friends. 

Never let it be said that a hug can’t be transmitted electronically.  I’ve seen proof to the contrary.

Posted by Liberty on 11/29 at 09:51 PM
Posted under: See-ThroughNaBloPoMo

<< Previous | Next >>

Comments

Desiree  at  11/30/06 04:36 PM

Hello Liberty,
I’m so glad that you have felt the electronic hugs sent in many ways by your web-friends.  I too believe that hugs can be sent via text, I’ve felt them when truly needed.  As you start a new collection of ornaments you’ll be building on your memories—- the lost reminders will have to poke their place out in your mind - and you will have a new collection of new ornaments from this year on to remind you of the past that is forming now.

Link to Comment

dmmgmfm  at  11/30/06 05:31 PM

I wish I could make it better for you.  And FYI, I know a great place to hide the body.
Hugs,
Laurie

Link to Comment

Name:

Email:

Location:

URL:

Smilies

Remember my personal information

Notify me of follow-up comments?