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Monday, March 07, 2011

Frustration

It’s frustrating not knowing what you want.  It’s even more frustrating to know what you want but to have it far, far out of reach.  The worst, by far, is when you know exactly what you want but can’t do a damned thing to work toward that goal.

I knew months ago I wanted to revive CSTH.  I knew I wanted to sit and write - write like I used to.  I knew I wanted to open up and share, and I knew I wanted to examine things as deeply as I used to in my own words, in my own time, and in my own space.  The problem, of course, was the frustration that I couldn’t actually sit and give my writing the time and head space needed.  At first, it was because I was so incredibly busy.  Then it was the drama and trauma of home and health concerns.  Then I was too medicated to think straight.  Now I’m back to just, well, hurting.  I am alert enough to want to write, but frustratingly, I can’t sit long enough to get the job done.

So, two nights ago I managed to write a post.  A real post.  A LONG post.  I had no idea of how long until it was over and it literally broke Expression Engine while trying to post it.  I saved it in a word document and figured I’d try to post again at another time.  Except, um, yeah, one small detail - it’s TWELVE PAGES LONG.

I still haven’t fully “fixed” CSTH in terms of Expression Engine.  I had to hack one part (WTF? I paid HOW much for this program and I had to “hack” it to get it to work?  Are you serious??) and that made it work, mostly, but now it’s throwing errors when I try to remotely post.  Irksome.  Extremely frustrating since, well, in a few days time, I won’t likely be able to sit long enough (sound familiar?) to post and I can’t maneuver typing while laying down with any proficiency.  I really was relying on being able to write from my phone.  Typos be damned, I was going to do it.

Now?  Mmnhyeah. 

I’m frustrated.

Posted by Liberty on 03/07 at 04:40 PM
Posted under: See-ThroughWriting PromptNaBloPoMo

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