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Monday, January 23, 2006

Going Up! Annnnnnd Back Doowwwn.

So, um, hey.  What’s up?

Crickets, eh?

I’ve been trying to lay low while my feelings of “I suck,” passed, but um, they sort of haven’t passed.  Nor have I made any particular effort toward invalidating those feelings, thus proving that, um, yeah.  I suck.

This is the point where I should go off on an amusing - no, not amusing - gut bustingly funny diatribe, or relate some neighbor story that will have my readers (and of course myself) in tears of hysterical laughter, but, I’m just.  Empty.  Truthfully, I’m grateful, because if for one tiny minute I let anything else move in it is going to be the misery of… February.

When I was a school girl (hey, I’ve always wanted to say that phrase, give me the luxury) before I was 17 and had my very own real life boyfriend, February was this thrilling, chilling, exciting month of prospective love and hope, which always fizzled into turbulent waters of disappointment and regret.  You all know what I’m talking about.  Then a life time of experience and memories have built up, causing February to be more and more significant.  I met him in February.  The weekend before V Day.  We consumated our fiery blooming relationship that Valentine’s Day for the first time, just a few days after we met.  A year later (minus a day), Sebastian was born.  My grandmother was born February 12 and now that she has passed from this world, it is a gloomy, lifeless day, lacking in any reason to celebrate.  My worst depression takes hold in February.  February holds so many memories… so many disappointments… so many moments of thrilling hope which always was fizzled into turbulent waters of… yeah… disappointment.

Good - amazingly, wonderfuly, miraculously good, balanced neatly with bad - heartbreaking, life changing, soul tearing bad.  This is the story of February for me.

So to feel nothing, to be empty, to have a blank page with absolutely nothing on it, well, I’m content with that.  Life always balances, but the teeter totter effect of February has me terrified and ... curiously exhillerated with the thought of what mysterious pleasures it may hold.  I’m just not willing or ready to ride that particular ride this year.  I can’t take the crashing down on my bum at full force, right now.  It’s been kicked too hard, too frequently, lately.


Posted by Liberty on 01/23 at 05:57 AM
Posted under: See-Through

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