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Colorfully-See-Through-Head

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Thursday, January 17, 2002

His Seduction (Mission #3)

It all started with a wanted poster.  He gave me the poster shortly after he tore out his page and said it was stuck in the door.  All this time he’s been dropping hints and offering tantalizing rumors of a bandit that steals hearts and takes advantage.

The night finally arrived when he decided to enact his great um… seduction.  The phone rang and I answered it.  “Hey, I have to work like five hours of overtime tonight,” he said in a voice that plainly said he was lying.  “Why?” I asked flatly, nonplussed with the whole situation.  “Um.  Well, there’s this criminal on the loose and…”  *crrrcrrrcrakrrrrraarrrrcrcrkkrk* He makes this really pathetic “radio static” noise and then in a high pitched girly voice says, “Golden Gate 21, do you copy?  We have sighted the Tender Bandit on your bridge and need you to respond.”  There were other codes and fancy radio talk included, and he said to me, “Hold on, I’ll have to respond to this.”  Into his alleged radio he responded, “10-4, I copy.  In route to destination.”  Then to me, “I have to go.  Be safe, Baby Girl.”

Okay, at this I am snickering loudly.  What the heck?  (In case you haven’t guessed, yes my husband is a police officer.)  This “fake” call was just too funny.  So I know he’s probably due home any time and just called from around the corner.  And I know that the “Tender Bandit” is due to show up at any time.  So do I sit like a good girl and wait for him patiently to seduce me on the couch?  Oh hell no.  I run off to find my huge body pillow and then turn off ALL the lights in the house.  After sufficiently insuring all of the doors are locked tight, I hide in the hallway… lurking… waiting.  The bandit won’t get ME… oh no!

Goofy?  Wait.  It gets better.

Now, I’ll give him this, I never did hear him unlock the front door, although I did hear him try to sneak in through the garage.  The neighbors dog was barking wildly and I think he was scared the cops really would be called, so he opted to head for the front door. I never heard the door unlock or open.  However, I did see his shadow on the wall as he walked past the kitchen window so I stood, snickering silently to myself knowing who was really going to get the surprise.  He had expected me to be at my computer desk pounding away at my keyboard (that’s where I usually am that late at night) but oh no… I am sneaky.  I am clever.  I am sly as a weasel, and probably as stinky.  Er… anyhow….

He shuffles around trying to figure out just where I’ve gotten to then comes back toward the hall.  Closer… closer… it’s all I can do not to burst with the laughter that is sitting tightly at the bottom of my belly.  Creeping closer… and….

WHAM!!!  I smack him with the pillow right in the face.  Which, if course, stuns him.  And the thing is, I could have gotten away, but I fell to my knees in fits of laughter that had me all but pissing my pants.  I mean, I have not ever laughed so hard in my life.  But wait… it gets even better.

He grabs me by the wrists and frankly, I was laughing entirely too hard to resist, and pulls me to my feet.  It’s at this point that I realize that he’s wearing a flannel shirt, a bandana and a cowboy hat!  Okay, now I’m laughing even harder - something I would not have thought possible, but yes… it was and yes, I was.  I have tears running down my face and I can’t even stand my belly hurts so bad from the side-splitting laughter.  The man should really have just tied me up at that point and had his way, but oh no… he had to make it even worse.

“What a fine little filly,” he says in his best, I dunno… cowboy accent.  FILLY??? What in the name GOD…?  FILLY?  Ok, so now my laughter has gone beyond laughter… now it’s at the point where I’m merely squeaking and gasping for breath.  “Why don’t you take a tumble with this tumble weed,” he says.  This really should have been a scene in a movie.  It was just ... so ... fucking ... funny.  I couldn’t take him seriously.  He mumbled some other shit about wanting to steal a kiss… watching me for a long time.  And yeah, I could see how some of that might have been a turn on, but the cheesiness of the situation had already brought us to the point of no return.  I could not stop my hysterical fit of gasping and giggling and rolling on the floor (I am not shitting you… I was literally rolling on the floor) so it was all lost on me.

He did start to rub my back but every time he’d try to kiss me, between giggles I’d say, “No!  My kisses all belong to my husband, you can’t have them!”  This obviously frustrated and flustered him.  I don’t think the seduction quite went the way he had planned at all.  Truly, I hadn’t meant to ruin it… but… tumble with the tumble weed?  FILLY??  The hat… the hat was really the clincher.  It wasn’t even a nice hat.  Ahem.  Anyhow… he finally gave up, ripped my sweat pants and undies off, and grabbed the undies and ran, hollering something about stealing my panties since he couldn’t have my kiss.

Within moments, MY HERO… MY HUSBAND dashes in to “save” me.  He decided he’d get better response that way, and to be honest, he did… the super hero thing did it for me way more than the bad guy bandit, but… geeze, by that time I was so sore and worn out from laughing myself into a spazz attack, I really didn’t have the energy for much more than a bit of making out and a backrub.

Effort:

A+

!  An enthusiastic plus there, too.  He really did put a lot into this, buying the outfit, making the wanted poster and building up the anticipation.  There are not a lot of guys who would have done this seduction, and while he wasn’t entirely successful, there are few men who I know who could have put more effort into it.

Timing:

B

  Hm… I was torn on this one for grading.  It took him a really long time to put this together.  A lot longer than it should have.  He did pick a time when we were both home, available and in good spirits, though, and the kids were tucked into bed and fast asleep.  However, I can’t give him a higher grade because his timing lacked in that he didn’t want for the cheesiness to wear off and melt down before he started with his “smooth operator moves.”  If he’d let the cheese melt a bit, then gone in for some action, it would have worked much better.

Style:

C

WAY too lame!  I mean, what a dork.  He could have been much more sensual and enticing about the whole thing.  If he hadn’t gotten me so worked into hysterics (ok, some of it was my fault) then the rest of his moves would have been great.  The kisses, the whispers… those would have been really sexy, but for the fact I couldn’t stop giggling.

Overall Effect:

A

  Perhaps I shouldn’t give him such a high grade because there was sexuality and sensuality lost in this, but I tell ya, it was the most fun we’ve had in a long while.  I loved laughing and being silly with him.  It’s fun to play and not have to take ourselves so seriously or force ourselves into thinking that every seduction has to lead to sex… and Grrreat sex, no less.  No sex, great fun… definitely a A on this one.

Posted by Mommy on 01/17 at 01:50 AM
Posted under: Secret SeductionsTotally Transparent (Greatest Hits)Twisted Humor

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Comments

stasi  at  01/17/02 10:02 PM

That sounds like a blast. You are a lucky woman. That will be a memory that you two share forever (as well as the other seductions…) your kids are so lucky too, to have parents who are so happily together. *swoon*

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Robert  at  08/27/03 03:03 AM

Yet another monitor repair bill en route to you, dear. smile

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