Thursday, March 21, 2002

I’m Being Followed by a Moonshadow

“and if I ever lose my eyes

  if my colors all run dry

  yes if I ever lose my eyes

  well, I won’t have to cry no more”

  ~Cat Stevens~

(

A bit o’ liberties taken with Bonnie Tyler’s, Total Eclipse of the Heart.

)

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.

I get so tired of making my whole day revolve around when you’ll come home.  It wears me out waiting and hoping and hinging so very much on you and your comings and goings.

Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

Sometimes I think I have no more tears to give.

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.

It tears me apart when we fight, and I won’t deny that there are times when I do think about leaving.  There are times when it feels like things would be better if we were apart.  It’s so much easier to remember the past with rose colored glasses and think, “Why can’t you be more like you were when…“ 

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.

But then I remember.  I remember that the past was no better than the present.  I remember that we fought before.  When you come close to me and wrap your arms around my waist and call me your Baby Girl, then everything else melts away and I remember that today is better than yesterday and tomorrow can only get better still.

Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild.

Sometimes I think of other places, other people, other ways of living my life.  They’re all fantasies and wishes, nothing more.  Nothing I would ever truly pursue, but it feels good to imagine myself running away in the night and taking off for Tiajuana with no baggage, emotional or otherwise, no responsibilities, no cares.  But I would never… I could never.  It just feels good to think I could.

Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I’m lying like a child in your arms.

Sometimes I need to be babied, too.  Sometimes I need to give myself over and let someone else take charge and be responsible.  You used to love that.  You used to need that as much as I did.  It seemed to make you feel more manly and powerful.  You’re the calm of every storm, the force that soothes my ruffled feathers and brings me back to center.  I need that from you, I need you.

Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I’ve got to get out and cry.

I do get resentful and bitter.  It does seem unfair and I do lash out.  It helps me to vent in whatever way I can, whether to write about it to friends or with friends or whether it means sitting crumpled and broken on the floor sobbing until I’ve let go of it all.  The choices you make are yours, but I don’t always agree with them and sometimes your choices offend and hurt me.  If I react to the choices you make, that’s as much my right as it is for you to make those choices.

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes.

And then you tell me about your day.  You remind me that you love me by sacrificing your time or compromising with your decisions in order to better please me.  We talk, and I hold you close and kiss your nose.  In spite of the frustration that still remains, I remember how very dearly I love you, in spite of and because of our differences.

Every now and then I know you’ll never be the boy you always wanted to be.

Having a family has cut off or delayed some of your hopes and dreams.  Mine, too.  I have no doubt that you harbor your own resentments and disappointments.  You have wants and needs, too.

But every now and then I know you’ll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that am.

We love each other even though we didn’t turn out to be quite as we had expected at a younger age.  You’re not perfect, but I love you.  I’m as far from perfect as one can get without being a complete deviant.  And you love me.  For this I am eternally grateful because when the world is crumbling around me and when I’m falling apart I know you still love me.  When I have nothing left to give and I’m just a husk of a human being, you still want me.  When no one else can stand to be near me, you’re still willing to take my hand and sit by my side.

Every now and then I know there’s no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you.

You’re the water to my fire, the stillness to my chaos, the mellow to my drama.  We belong together and I am grateful that we found each other and have managed to stay together.

Every now and then I know there’s nothing any better, there’s nothing that I just wouldn’t do.

Nearly ten years together, seven years of marriage, and an eternity of pleasure and pain.  Would I do this again?  Would I make the same choices?  As far as having you in my life… there’s no question in my mind. Yes.  I love you.

Forever yours…

In Other Years:

A Few Mom Requests (2003)

I’m the mommy.  I do dishes, laundry, clean up puke, change diapers and generally all the other nasty shit no…[Read More]

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