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Sunday, August 08, 2004

I’m Not Dead Yet!

Last night as we drove home from our monthly grocery shopping, a poignant and heartfelt story popped into my head.  In a way, it was my own story told through someone else’s mouth as they peered into my own head.  Sort of.  Regardless, I was determined to find a way to capture the story and the words that were starting to fill my mind.

The thought was a wonderful one, but unfortunately, life got in the way.  There were things I had to do and things I wanted to do before I could sit down and pound out the words on the computer.  By the time I made the time, I was too tired so I put it off until today.  Now the words are wispy half-memories that I’ll never be able to retrieve.  I really need to start carrying a notebook around again so I can jot down my ideas.  It might not have been enough to fully capture what was in my head at the time, but at least I could have clung to enough to write a moderately worthwhile entry.  Maybe.

Lately, I have felt very sure that I am dead.  I’m merely a ghost wandering about doing the daily routines I’ve known for so long, unaware that I am not really there and not really doing those routines.  Even my thoughts and emotions don’t stick long enough for me to be sure they are real.  I hear the words that people around me say, but I don’t feel that I can respond, or that if I do people will truly hear. 

Maybe it’s really just that the ways that I do effect people around me are far more subtle than I’m used to.  Rather than the giant splash, the horrid crash, the violent waves of emotion and reaction, I’ve become more of a gentle finger of wind, caressing the puzzle pieces into place. 

But no.  I’m probably just dead.

The stagnation and numbness are certainly killing me if I’m not dead yet.  There has to be a way to break out of this, even if it would initially be painful.

Posted by Mommy on 08/08 at 04:00 PM
Posted under: Colorful

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