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Wednesday, February 20, 2002

In response to “a friend” comment on the 18th…

There was a comment on my last entry:

I hope this aint me yer taking about ...

Posted by A friend who should be better, but is weakly human instead. @ 02/19/2002 11:43 PM PST

As this comment was posted anonymously, I can’t really respond as appropriately as I would like.  Something I could point out is that all of my friends are weakly human, and certainly no more so than I.  I guess in some small way, what I wrote could have been about any one of them - or all of them, really.  Isn’t it true that we always hurt those closest to us?  Rarely do I think that the injuries are intentional, it’s just part of the growing experience.  Sometimes it means growing closer, sometimes it means growing apart, and often times, it’s just… change.

The best way to explain that entry is to simply allow that it’s not really about any one person.  It was an exercise in letting go - something I’m not very good at.  It was a way for me to remind myself that I can’t control everything in the whole wide world and some things are going to happen that I just don’t like.  Some people are going to do things that may not be in what I see as my best interest.  Well, no freaking duh.  The world doesn’t revolve around me, as much as I’d like. Heh.  That doesn’t take the sting away, though.

I chose not to address the post at anyone directly because I was feeling too ambiguous to really pinpoint my hurt and decide whether or not I was forgiving myself or forgiving someone else.  Besides, it gave me a chance to work through many issues at once, some dating back to incidents that took place many, many years ago as well as current events.

A long time ago in what seems like another life, I used what I wrote to work through some of my emotions.  For a long time, it’s just been a place to sort of tell my life story… what’s going on, how I’m doing, juicy (usually not) tidbits of my sex life… but I miss having the opportunity to do exercises that help me to evaluate myself, my situation, and my relationships.  A journal is a personal story, but it’s also a way to help one learn and grow. 

After working through so much I had a good night’s sleep, which is something I’ve really been lacking for a long time.  Has anything changed?  Yes.  I have.  Others around me have changed.  The world changes, it’s the nature of life, really.  Change is good, no matter how much it hurts.  Will life go on?  Certainly.  Are things all better now that I’ve written something?  No.  But it’s helped me to let go of emotions I was clinging to and move on.  I can start living today instead of fussing and fuming over yesterday, last week, or ten years ago.

Life is worth living today.

Posted by Mommy on 02/20 at 03:17 AM
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Whats in a name?  at  02/21/02 01:27 AM

God I am so proud of you.

You make me cry, but not with tears of sorrow or regret, but with the wisdom of knowing one’s eyes have opened upon something greater than oneself.

I love you.

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