Thursday, December 24, 2009
Just Letting It Hurt
My dad died today.
I haven’t spoken to him in about a month. The last time we spoke he rubbed it in my face that I hadn’t visited every day (yes, because the 20-some-odd hour drive every day would have been totally realistic) and he went on and on about how great “his” kids (his real kids) have been because they’ve visited and called and been there EVERY DAY.
Meanwhile, my marriage is crashing, my life is burning, and I’m just… tired. A husk of a human being. So I decided not to call, not to invest, not to bother, because, frankly, self preservation came first.
I don’t regret that decision entirely, but now that he’s gone, I do wish I’d at least told him I loved him before it was too late.
My biggest regret now is that I can’t be more use to my sister. I can’t be her pillar. I can’t offer her much of anything, except a sincere hope that she has a strong support network to help her through this. I wish I could be part of that network, but I was shut out of the lives of that family a long time ago. Nothing I say or do will make things better, now. Nothing will change what has already transpired.
Jenica came and cuddled with me for a few minutes and I put her hand over my heart.
“Does your heart ever hurt, Jenica?”
“Yes, sometimes,” she replied quietly and cuddled closer.
“What do you do when it hurts? How do you make it better?” I asked softly.
“I just let it hurt,” she said.
And sometimes, that’s all you can do.
Aimee at 12/24/09 06:12 PM
Wise girl you have there. I’m so sorry for your loss, Liberty.
Krush at 12/26/09 06:43 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything, pleasee contact me.
Jenica is a very wise girl!