Monday, April 12, 2004
Someone very near and dear to me said something today about a mutual friend that really hit home. She mentioned how this mutual friend had never been happy in the past six months (read: the duration that my near and dear friend had known the mutual friend.) She said it was grating on her nerves and she wished that she could know a different side to our mutual friend because the always down, always something wrong side was really wearing on her.
This started an avalanche of thought.
I have another friend who has really been wearing me out. She’s constantly wanting little favors of me and asking to borrow things or drive her places. Normally, I’m glad to help out, but this has gotten to the point of ridiculous. She would say she’s going through a tough time right now, but I would say that nothing—NOTHING—has changed for her in a long, long, long time. She’s creating drama where there should be none. She really should just make up her mind what she needs to do and do it. Spinning one’s wheels in a mud puddle won’t fix anything, trust me.
But then… Trust me? Why? Aren’t I the same? How many people are tired of hearing about me and my problems? How many people have given up my company because they can’t stand the emotional drain *I* am to _them_? Have I landed in this spot of isolation and loneliness of my own doing… aside from just being shy?
Well. Yeah. I ended an online friendship when I replied to someone with “Oh I’m fine” and he went off about “That’s GREAT, I’m so glad to hear you’re finally doing well! You’re ALWAYS so down and you ALWAYS have so many problems, so it’s good to hear…” blahblahblah. Fucker. I wasn’t “fine” for real. I was saying “Fine” to be courteous because I really, really, really was NOT fine but I didn’t want to burden him with my troubles, as I usually did. So, ok, he was sort of a jackass, but… he was also right.
There are people in this world who are like positive energy batteries. Everyone around them soaks that energy up and is thrilled to be around them. Those people are magnets, attracting wealth, friendships, happiness, joy, “good luck” and so forth. Then there are people like…
And people like me are energy leeches. We suck the very life out of everyone and everything around us. We drain people of their spirit, energy, drive, and joy. I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to be a leech. I want people to want to be around me, not be repelled by me.
I want people to like me. That seems like such a small thing, but it’s what I want so badly right now. I love the friends I have very dearly, but I want to know they are friends because they enjoy my company rather than because they feel “stuck” by my stupid leeching action.
Desiree at 04/12/04 09:14 PM
Wow, Liberty… you said quite a lot in this post.
Yes, we want to be the positive energy, the ones that just spew forth energy, health and wellness. But… you know, even those that appear to be all that and more really aren’t ... they too have down times, and those that they may appear negative to. So… you can want the illusion, but really, it’s best to strive for somewhere in-between, somewhere realistic.
You do not drag down all those around you down, I doubt it. I see in you some very positive times, some light and laughter and energy in your posts. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are liked for yourself, and the more you learn to like yourself the more likeable you’ll be to others.
josh at 04/13/04 03:21 AM
I’ve never felt the things towards you that you describe, that you are an emotional burden and a psychological parasite to me in any way. Sure, you have your good times, and your bad times, and your worse times. We all do, throughout our lives. I’m glad you’re in mine, and that we share a friendship. You’ve brought plenty to our communal table, in my opinion. So buck up! I think you might feel this way in part because so many of your friendships occur online, or at a long-distance scene. Would that we were still neighbors, I’d be over there pestering you to make me grilled cheese sandwiches every week. And then I’d be YOUR refrigerator leech!
Liberty at 04/13/04 03:40 AM
No one could leech off my fridge like Andrew could. That boy was a human NooNoo.
Robert at 04/13/04 10:14 AM
Leech? Hell no. I enjoy you for who and as you are… though if I could change one thing? I’d make you happier.
Karen at 04/13/04 03:08 PM
Liberty, I must agree with everyone else’s posts! Just because your are open with what you are feeling you are a breath of fresh air. Remember everyone has their own personal sob story, it is what makes us who we are. If it wern’t for those stories we all would be less intresting and complex. Shallow even. Some of the best advise my Mom ever gave me is this, you are only responsible for your own actions and feelings. You are never responsible for someone else’s actions or drama. So, don’t feel like a leech, you give a voice to a lot of us who feel the same way sometimes and are just to boxed up to say it out loud. Karen