Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Let’s Sit and Chat
- Hey Liberty!
- You haven’t written here in over a month!
- Oh. Oh! Wow. Seriously?
- Yeah. Are you ever coming back?
- Well, yeah. I mean, I guess? I just, I don’t know, I just got busy with stuff.
- Like what? Write about it!
- Where? Wait - here? But, no, I can’t do that.
- If not here, then where!?
- True enough. Well, I guess…
The problem is, there’s so much to write about and not enough energy left with which to write it. Too, I wonder who really cares to read it. I mean, I know people will say, “Oh, but I like reading what you have to say!” But those are people with whom I speak on a fairly regular basis. I’m reasonably sure that if they wanted to know, they already have been told 8 times in 2 different ways in that oh-so-infamous way I have of retelling the same thing over and over again. Besides, as excited as I am over what I’m doing and how well I feel it’s going, I have a hard time fathoming that anyone else will take interest.
I know I will often find myself completely fascinated by a conversation about something I normally wouldn’t have a care about because I care so much for the person with whom I’m speaking. I should trust that other people feel the same, but… but. It’s just not the same. My interests are so specific. Not just to, say, other moms, but other moms involved in Boy Scouting, and even more specifically, Boy Scouting in this area. Oh sure, I think I can broaden it. Anyone who has volunteered for anything knows the joys - and pains - that go hand-in-hand with the process, and they can empathize with what I do, but it just doesn’t feel interesting enough to talk about every little detail of everything I do.
Sometimes, I really, really want to, though.
Like the most recent Blue and Gold celebration I helped put together for the little pack on the other side of the lake that I’m helping. They are a great group and the experience left me feeling like a freaking rock star. Mostly. Except in the dark hours where I pick apart every little thing I could have done better and every little thing that went wrong. Then I feel entirely defeated, but, yeah, see, that’s the stuff I really WANT to write about…
By the time I realize I want to write about the entire experience and every little detail, I am off to another adventure or else I’m tired and scared and nervous about opening up and sharing some of that. Which makes me sad, because I think it’s that opening that I USED to have - the bad, the good, the ugly, that left readers feeling connected and related. Everyone feels insecure sometimes. Everyone is afraid that they have blundered beyond repair. Everyone feels exhilarated by their own prowess at whatever it is they excel. Everyone has moments where they feel like they could fly. And yeah, everyone has moments where they stand precariously balanced on the fence, not sure which side is the correct side. I miss opening up and writing about those things.
Someone recently accused me of being “closed”. I was shocked. Hurt. Confused. Initially, I thought the accusation was coming from a skewed perspective, but now I seriously wonder if perhaps I have not closed down too much. So much that I have lost a large part of who I used to be.
Some people keep their hearts tightly locked away. Some of us wear them pinned sloppily on our shirt-sleeves. Do we really choose which type of person we are, or does it just come innately?
I haven’t decided what, if anything, is to be done about this, but I’m reaching out and trying to delve into the blog world again along with some of my blog-friends like Gratefulmom and Journalmama. Who knows where I’ll end up - maybe just back to not writing again in a month, but for now I’m peeking in and saying, “Hey. I’ve missed you. And I’ve missed this. Let’s sit and chat for awhile, eh?”
mamaerica at 03/17/10 07:46 AM
Yes, let’s sit and chat for a while.
I’m not sure “closed” is the right word, but you’re definitely different, more guarded than you used to be. I understand it; understand where it came from, and it makes me sad. I’m not sure there’s much you can DO about it at the moment, except to perhaps sit with it a bit, chat with it a bit, and see where it leads you. Do you want to follow? Or choose a new path?
(That last bit was totally random….not at all what I planned to say, but my fingers just typed it. Hmmmm…...)
Pooka at 03/18/10 02:45 PM
I’m not privy to all the events but I do miss reading you. I understand the writing and discussion blockage thing. Sometimes there’s a lot to mention but not enough umption to pursue the thread.
Maybe a q&a with Libby sort of thing or a discussion that weighs less on your mind would make for good material?