Monday, February 18, 2002

Life is an adventure in forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not acceptance.  Forgiveness is taking back one’s own power by pushing aside the hurt and disappointment and betrayal in order to live in the present.  Forgiveness is a gift that can allow great liberation.  “People who hold on to old hurts, disappointments, petty annoyances, betrayals, insensitivity, and anger are wasting both time and energy.“

1. To what (whom) am I vulnerable? To what am I not vulnerable?

I am vulnerable to those I care about: friends, family, and others who are close to me.  I am most vulnerable when it comes to the people whose approval and acceptance I seek.  I am not (as?) vulnerable to the opinions of strangers or to those for whom I hold no respect.  Those people do not hold the same control because I don’t care about them.

2. What can I control? What can I not control?

I can’t control that I have feelings, but I control what I do with my feeling in the same way I can control my arms or legs.  I can control my reactions by taking thoughtful steps and setting a more gradual pace in my reaction time.  I can’t control other people’s actions, thoughts or feelings.  I can’t change or decide for others what they will think of me or how they will react to me. 

3. What can I prevent? What can I not prevent?

I can prevent losing control of my emotions by taking a moment to reflect on the situation before reacting.  I can stop this same injury from happening again in this same way by setting new and different boundaries and carefully examining the motivations of the person to whom I am vulnerable.  Should I deem intentions as malicious, I can make a point of stepping away from the situation (or person) entirely, thereby preventing further injury. 

I can’t stop the responses or emotions of any other person.  I can’t prevent anyone else from feeling their own injuries.  I can’t prevent the way I think or feel anymore than I can prevent my arms or legs from existing. 

I own my feelings and don’t need to prevent them.  I only need prevent actions that will be hurtful to myself or to others in response to those emotions.

4. What feelings are changed by this injury? What feelings are not damaged by it?

There is a great deal of blind trust lost.  I no longer feel safe and comfortable.  I don’t feel loved, trusted, admired, or cared for in the way I used to.  I don’t feel important the way I used to. I still feel a great deal of love and adoration and even a stubborn loyalty, but that loyalty does not run as deep and undying as it once did.  I still feel the need to be liked, but I don’t feel the same need for approval or acceptance because I don’t feel I can ever have it.

5. What still seems just?

It still seems just that I should be able to explain myself when questioned.  What is the purpose of bringing up issues if one can not reply?  It seems fair that my own time, my own phone call, my own correspondence should be acknowledged if not appreciated or welcomed.  It seems as though as long as I’m controlling my actions in a respectful way in order to explain and express my emotions, I should have that outlet.

We have been very close.  We have shared a great deal and I am grateful for the relationship we have.  At one point, I felt you owed me interest, attentiveness, perhaps even some admittance of guilt when I felt injured, but I realize now that I don’t need that.  I don’t need anything from you.  While I feel as though your actions have wounded me, I am free, as are you.  I have acknowledge the injury and have begun to realize the changes that this injury has triggered in me.  I am willing and ready to go forward.  I don’t need to hold on to the insult, the disappointment, the regret or the anger because that will not accomplish anything for either of us.

I give freely my forgiveness and regardless of whether or not you accept it, I have reclaimed my own emotions and can do with them what I see fit and appropriate for my own life and fulfillment.

 

“You have many choices. You can choose forgiveness over revenge, joy over despair. You can choose action over apathy…. You hold the key to how well you make the emotional adjustment…“  - Stephanie Marston -

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