Sunday, January 06, 2002
“My heart going boom, boom, boom…“
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
There is no easy way to write about the inner turmoil which has me turning giddy somersaults, and yet brings me to my knees in tears the moment after. While I’ve waited so long to hear news on this, it seems almost unreal now that I finally have an answer.
My heart going boom boom boom
“Son,“ he said “Grab your things,
I’ve come to take you home.“
On the night we celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary, we received news that we would be moving. We’ll be able to buy a house and settle down and stay. We’ll finally have found home.
To keeping silence, I resigned.
My friends would think I was a nut
While the news caused great elation, I’m also torn. I’m afraid to tell some of my friends. I’m scared to admit the truth. There are so many more facets to this than I had realized initially.
My husband put in for a transfer over a year ago. We were sure he’d get it last time. In fact, we really thought that we’d be moved by the time our baby was just a few months old. At that point, I was prepared to move as I had not bonded with anyone. It was easy to leave behind a city in which I had made no connections, where the house in which we lived was not truly our own, and where everything seemed so plastic-Christmas-tree perfect. It was time for a change and I truly thought moving would put us back on track to finding a place where we belonged.
so I went from day to day
though my life was in a rut
til I thought of what I’d save
which connections I should cut
When he was passed up for the transfer, we were both devastated. Even the kids were disappointed. I felt so helpless and hopeless and ridiculously let down. I pouted. I cried. I even got angry at my husband, though he had no control over the situation, either. We were trapped in someone else’s paperwork and there was no way out but to keep plodding forward.
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
Then, a wonderful woman named Christy threw me a baby shower - and people came to the baby shower. People who didn’t have to. People who weren’t related and had no obligations to me. Friends. Then when Aimee got pregnant and we had something more in common, I felt utterly and completely found. I had someone with whom I could share my own pregnancy, someone who felt more like family than my own “real” family did. And then there was Chuck (and his family)... they’ve always felt like my family. Chuck is like a favorite uncle, offering advice and gentle guidance, often showing up with grave concern when I’d made some stupid comment about how depressed I was, or offering to baby-sit the kids when we were in dire need.
Aleshia watched our kids on a number of occasions. And not because she had to, either. She wanted to. My oldest son bonded with her son Bryce almost instantly and they quickly became “best friends”. Sebastian made friends with Bryce’s little brothers and Christy’s youngest son. My daughter was born and I met other mommies who live here and who have babies the same age as Jenica. Andrea and I started staying up way past our bedtimes goofing around online and talking about our deepest darkest pasts, and our fondest, most treasured hopes for the future. For the first time in years, I started to feel comfortable and safe.
“Hey” he said “Grab your things
I’ve come to take you home.“
We never thought of taking the transfer out. It never seemed it would matter. He didn’t get the transfer the first time he put in, why would he get it this time? Besides… time has a funny way of seeming bigger - or smaller - than it really is. There were too many other things to think about. we were enjoying ourselves. Visions of a future we had once hoped for blurred at the edges and seemed far less important. Everything was still there in the back of my mind, but tucked neatly under carefree oblivion. When we found out we could qualify for a home loan, though, those dreams came more into focus but in a kaleidoscope fashion with so many other visions mirrored and distorted around it.
When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
They say to be careful of what you wish, for you may just get it. There are those who also believe that everything happens for a reason. So I must believe, then, that this all has fallen into place for a reason. It’s time for me to move on and make new friends and touch - and be touched - by more lives. Fear can’t become the only thing holding me back from living a life that could be so fulfilling and interesting. If this is meant to be, I will embrace it and be glad that I hoped for it and even gladder that my wishes have come true.
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No on taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
Life changes. I change. My family dynamics change and the world around us changes. This is the nature of life and the universe and it is not something I could ever hope to interupt. Acceptance does not come easy, but as my grandmother once said, the seasons come and go and each one is as special as the one before and the one after. Learn to enjoy them all.
And so I shall.
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
they’ve come to take me home.“
(Many thanks to Peter Gabriel for the inspiration.)
Posted under: The Soundtrack • Totally Transparent (Greatest Hits) •
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Comments
Andrea at 01/07/02 02:23 AM
The first time I read this entry I cried. You’d already *told* me you had the transfer, I knew what it meant… but when I read this it hit me.
I came back a couple of hours later to read this again. I cried again. I couldn’t place the song by just the lyrics… so I downloaded a copy. The way the lyrics fit into this entry are amazing. I’ll never hear this song again without thinking of you.
I’m back for the third time today, still trying to leave a comment. I’m still a little teary, and I have Solsbury Hill playing while I type.
I am so happy that you are getting this opportunity. I am so excited for you and so jealous of you. I know that this is the right move for you at this point in your life.
And yet, I’m mourning your eventual move. I’m going to miss you terribly. I have a hard time accepting that just as I’m feeling comfortable in our friendship, you’re moving. I know it’s a good move. I know that it doesn’t mean we’ll stop chatting all night. But it’s still tough.
But as you know, grief is inherently selfish… and I’m mourning what I’m losing in your moving. Because I am so ecstaticly happy for you at the same time.
And maybe this is the kick in the pants we needed too. We are never going to be truly happy in the bay area. And I’ve become too comfortable here. Maybe this is a sign that it’s time to move on.
((Hugs)) my friend. You’ve got a very powerfully written entry here.
tasha at 01/08/02 03:05 PM
wow. I think I missed this entry until now. Congratulations, and best of luck. And don’t stop your weblog!
Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.
Aimee at 01/06/02 08:11 PM
For selfish reasons, I am not, you can imagine, all so thrilled you’re moving. But I am thrilled for you (and those small and not so small people you live with), I’m glad you’ll have a home of your own. And I guess you’re not moving forever and ever away.
Congratulations, you foofy-headed girl.