Sunday, July 08, 2007
I suppose it’s hard because I expected my grandmother to outlive my grandfather. I expected my mom to outlive my dad. I expected to be my mom’s age (or truthfully, older) before I had to worry about her dying. I expected to be at my mom’s side when she died. I expected to take care of her for years before she passed away. I expected a lot of things, and maybe expectations are just meant to be shot down, but I really hate how all of this has left me feeling…
My grandparents essentially raised me. I felt like, at least until my mom flipped out, left my dad, experimented in meth (and God knows what else), I was close to my mom. I defended her fiercely. I tried very hard to be a “good daughter” and earn her respect, love and kindness. Never quite got there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wanted her to love me and want me. Now they’re all gone. I’m not “alone”, but I feel like a branch which has had it’s tree cut out from under it. You can’t just stick me in the ground wherever I land and expect me to root and support all the branches above me, can you?
Except that’s exactly what is expected. And I’m not doing a very good job.
I feel weak. Brittle. Ready to snap at any minute. I feel lonely. Soul lonely. I feel lost and frustrated and sometimes angry and resentful.
This is just a moment. I know that. It’s trigged by it being the anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. But still. It’s rough and I’m tired and frustrated and, well, yeah. Just a little broken.
Posted by Liberty on 07/08 at 12:05 PM
Andrea at 07/10/07 03:32 PM