Sunday, July 08, 2007

Orphaned

In two years time I’ve lost both my grandfather and my mother.  It doesn’t seem all that long ago that I lost my grandmother, though truth be told it will be seven years this November. 

I suppose it’s hard because I expected my grandmother to outlive my grandfather.  I expected my mom to outlive my dad.  I expected to be my mom’s age (or truthfully, older) before I had to worry about her dying.  I expected to be at my mom’s side when she died.  I expected to take care of her for years before she passed away.  I expected a lot of things, and maybe expectations are just meant to be shot down, but I really hate how all of this has left me feeling…

Orphaned.

My grandparents essentially raised me.  I felt like, at least until my mom flipped out, left my dad, experimented in meth (and God knows what else), I was close to my mom.  I defended her fiercely.  I tried very hard to be a “good daughter” and earn her respect, love and kindness.  Never quite got there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wanted her to love me and want me.  Now they’re all gone.  I’m not “alone”, but I feel like a branch which has had it’s tree cut out from under it.  You can’t just stick me in the ground wherever I land and expect me to root and support all the branches above me, can you?

Except that’s exactly what is expected.  And I’m not doing a very good job.

I feel weak. Brittle.  Ready to snap at any minute.  I feel lonely.  Soul lonely.  I feel lost and frustrated and sometimes angry and resentful.

This is just a moment.  I know that.  It’s trigged by it being the anniversary of my grandfather’s passing.  But still.  It’s rough and I’m tired and frustrated and, well, yeah.  Just a little broken.

In Other Years:

Back Pedal (2010)

After I puked out my entry yesterday (written in wordpad and then transferred over to my site in the brief…[Read More]

Update (2005)

It is done.

The last chapter of a great man’s life.

This morning they removed the ventilator and let him…[Read More]

My Girl Smells (2003)

My girl smells.  Yep, she sure does.

She smells like Play-Doh, sweat, Fruit Loops and potting soil.  She smells like…[Read More]

What the?  Huh? (Screwy Search Hits) (2002)

Some of the search hits that find this site are pretty awful.  I won’t even bother to repeat most of…[Read More]

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