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Sunday, March 27, 2005

Pensive Ramblings from a Girl Without a Box (not THAT kind of BOX!)

As I gaze out the rain spattered windows of our A-frame home, I find myself deep in pensive thought.  Not the usual what-ifs and how-it-used-to-bes but more of a contemplation of who-am-I?

I’ve always hated labels.  Particularly labels that not only define but restrict, which labels tend to do.  If, for example, a mother takes an interest in cloth diapers, suddenly she is labelled “crunchy”, when in fact in most other ways she may be “mainstream.”  What about the mothers who work from home?  Are they at home moms or working moms?  And aren’t all moms working?  What about men who cry when they are sad?  Are they “soft”?  What about men who don’t cry (ever) but hate football and beer?

So here I sit in a boxless setting.  No rules.  No restrictions.  No labels.

Who AM I?  Can I define myself without restrictions?  Can I define myself without using my relation to other people?

Not really.

I think, perhaps, that is why I find myself so unhappy at times.  I don’t really know who I am… even when I do use labels and relationships as my own definition.

At least I have been busy the last few months.  I’ve worked hard to practice the “busy hands make happy heart” saying, though to be honest I’m not sure how true that entirely is.  I don’t know that I’m happy, I’m just not wallowing.  Not that I’m unhappy, per se, just too busy to take time to assess the situation. 

I am too lazy.  How does one cure oneself of that?  Is there a twelve step program for laziness addicts?  The house needs to be cleaned.  I get overwhelmed because too much needs to be done so I do nothing.  I hide away in a computer game, good book, or craft project.  I need to exercise, but I ache (because I don’t exercise, presumably) so I don’t.  My mind is rotting away (not literally, that I know of, but still…) and yet I do nothing to feed my need to challenge myself.  There are no excuses.  I am purely slothful and that is all there is to it.

The beading has helped.  I really like having a weekly project and having “team mates” to encourage me and keep me motivated definitely keeps me going.  It was nice bringing back the concept of Bead Feebs in a “blog format”:http://beadfeebs.sillywoppat.com once more, too.  I very briefly worried “what if I run out of beads to work with!?” until I realized I had to buy more cases for the beads I recently bought.  Yeah, I got beads, baby.  I even have some motivation to kick Lazy’s ass.  Like I say, beading helps.  Not only keeps Lazy away, but also helps battle the Depression Beast.

Haven’t struggled with the Beast for a long while now, not really.  Oh, sometimes he’ll sneak up behind me and whisper horrid things in my ear.  “You’re fat,” and “You’re stupid,” and “You’ll never be anything more than what you are now,” and “No one loves you.”  Mostly, I have that brief moment of, “OMG… no!” then it passes and I ignore the Beast. 

Sometimes the Beast is right, though I wonder at times if it’s a self fulfilling prophesy.  Like, “You know TDO won’t take the time off for this vacation…” and of course, he did, or alleges he did but then, you know, paperwork and such.  But he offered to take a few days off so we could go to Ft. Bragg and I have been resistant.  “Why bother?” I say.  So obviously, it’s not all him, else I’d just suck it up and make due.

It’s an addiction I can’t seem to conquer.  I put these visions in my head of how things will be and when they don’t turn out exactly as planned, then everything is just _ruined_ so why bother?  I have to stop.  I just have to.  It’s not healthy and it certainly doesn’t lead to anyone else’s happiness. 

Just make do.  That’s what my grandmother always did, and it worked well for her for most of her life.

And so I suppose I shall, to whatever capacity I have.  I’ll try to remember not to bitch about it along the way, but forgive me if I slip up on occasion.

Posted by Liberty on 03/27 at 05:44 PM
Posted under: See-Through

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