Thursday, January 03, 2002

Resolutions

(Okay, excuse this for being a bit late. I’ve been in jail for the past few days after violating my parole, but my lawyer was kind enough to let me use his laptop to post this when he came in to give me legal advice today.)

After reading this, I was inspired to come up with some resolutions that were a bit more realistic.

Get a hobby. Yes, chocolate is a hobby and no, it’s not cheating to use white chocolate, milk chocolate, and dark chocolate as three separate hobbies. This hobby may include collecting chocolates, but the main goal is eating the stuff. Raw. Cooked. In any form you can get it. Chocolate is fun!

Learn to love your body. The plump goddess look is in. And by God, if it isn’t, it should be. Let’s make it the “in” look! Look at the immensely successful women like Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell, Rikki Lake, and Queen Latifah. They have all done well for themselves and even have had their own talk shows (what more could a girl want?) Not one of them is a size 5.

Instead of spending unholy amounts of money on pills, package foods, medications, and diet plans that probably won’t work, are questionably safe, and may well be tools of the devil - take my advice. Throw out those stupid size five jeans, (dammit, they went out of style in the late 80’s anyway, girlfriend!) have some Christmas leftovers, and take your wide load shopping for some comfy clothes that fit!! Who cares if 16 is your size and not your age?? You’re GORGEOUS!

The New Year is a time when so many people vow to get organized. We’ve got all this crap from the holidays that we didn’t want or need, but we’re guilted into thinking that because our friends and family will be in debt for the next year paying this lame stuff off, we have to keep it around, even if only in storage boxes and closets. Well, shrug that off! What’s Ebay for, after all?? Make a few bucks and pay off your own holiday debt!

So many people vow to quit smoking, drinking, etc. That’s always a big New Year’s resolution, but what I suggest, instead. Vow not to start something. Much easier to promise yourself you’re not going to start dropping acid or smoking crack than to quit next year, right? It’s a known fact that kicking an addiction is a long, hard road, but how hard is it to never start in the first place? I’ve got a list a mile long of drugs I’ve never used, so check me out… I’m well on my way to my goals for the next fifteen years. This year’s resolution is to quit chewing. No problem, since I never have! Woo, look at me go. I’m saving thousands on chewing tobacco and spit bottles. You should see how much I’m saving by NOT starting crank, meth and pain pills! (Nearly enough to maintain my chocolate addiction…er… hobby.)

Probably the most important thing to work on for this new year is to try to remember that I’m not supposed to leave the country. Whatever. It was only Tiajuana, and I was only delivering a small “package” to a “friend.“ Sheesh. Lame assed parole officers. Whatever.

Posted by Mommy on 01/03 at 01:46 AM
Posted under: Twisted Humor •