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Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Sad

*Disclaimer: Another imported entry that won’t make much sense.  I miss my blog, what? Isn’t THIS my blog?  Yeah.  And I’ve reclaimed it, but I hadn’t at the time of this writing.

* * *

Miss my blog.  A lot.  It has always been good therapy for me to just “puke write” there, then edit and polish and make digestible for the public.  It helps me to get it all out and then sift through to figure out what the actual lesson is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to have THIS space - this space which is private and sacred and which “no one” knows about, but… I miss my usual peeps checking in on me and offering their own input and advice - like seeing a therapist for years and years only still being friends with these folks at the end of the day.

Between what happened with my daughter and knowing [someone] is still occasionally trying to pry into my privacy, I just don’t have it in me to reopen my blog.  Maybe never, which breaks my heart.  Writing here just isn’t the same.  I suspect because I never edit, but also because it lacks specifics and those inside jokes that come from knowing the audience - and the audience knowing me.

That’s the crux of the matter, I guess.  The lesson.  By shutting out the world (via my blog) it’s much like shutting out my husband.  It’s a protective wall, but it’s also suffocating, because the barrier not only doesn’t let anyone IN… it doesn’t let ME OUT.

It is what it is.  I’m too sensitive to throw open the doors to the blog.  I’ve been trying to open my doors to my husband, but that’s a lot easier said than done.  There are too many things hanging in limbo and I am. so. very. scared.  I can’t reconcile with opening myself up when I’m so vulnerable right now.  Yet… isn’t that what a marriage is for?  A partnership to have someone watch your back when you’ve been kicked down?

One more thing lost in the chaos.

Posted by Liberty on 05/07 at 06:31 AM
Posted under: DS

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