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Sunday, October 29, 2006

So fuck them too!

We had a deal there
We nearly signed it with our blood…
An understanding
I thought that you would keep your word
I’m disappointed
I’m aggravated
It’s a fault I have, I know
When things don’t go my way I have to

Blow in the face of my rivals
I swear and I rant, I make quite an arrival
The men are surprised by the language
They act so discreet, they are hypocrites
So fuck them too!

“Dress Up In You” - Belle & Sebastian

We hate most in others what reflects our own faults and weaknesses.  In ways, I wonder if it’s not a form of jealousy, as if displaying that weakness is a luxury not afforded to those who turn their noses at such displays.  “Dear GOD, why is she wearing that!?” one might overhear one woman saying to her gal pal of another woman.  And why?  Because maybe, just maybe, she wishes she could give a shit and wear that, too, but noo, instead she has to go out of her way to always look good, always wear the right thing, always be so perfect.

And so I find myself picking apart the actions (and more often inactions) of others around me, wondering why people are the way they are, finding myself in such disdain and often in outraged anger.  Occasionally, it’s a matter of someone doing something very wrong that is directly or indirectly effecting me, but more often than not, it’s something that really has absolutely nothing to do with me.  If I don’t have to live with the consequences or experience the behavior directly, why should I care?  Maybe it is reflections of me that I see and disdain and hate and try to thrust away from me as if just being near such behavior in others will somehow bring out that behavior in myself.  Maybe it’s a dire fear, one of those “takes one to know one” things… that maybe, just maybe someone will call me out and notice that, well, you know, I’m human and flawed and broken and pretty well fucked up sometimes.  Maybe I’m “just” judgemental, but I can’t leave it at that, there’s a jagged broken edge of me that demands to know why before I can possibly merely accept it and reform or move on.

It occurs to me as I write this how very much like my grandmother I am.  Without meaning to, she was very judgemental, or at least so very opinionated that one felt under her judgement at all times.  To earn her praise was to earn a rich and well deserved reward, not because it was so infrequently given but because it was genuine and sincere… as was her criticism.  It was hard not to take either end of the spectrum too seriously or personally.  For whatever reason, people (not just me) valued my grandmother’s opinion so deeply that what she said was law and fact.  While I don’t think as many people feel that way toward me, enough do (or so I’m just now realizing) that I have recently felt the need to tread very, very lightly.  I shouldn’t effect people so profoundly.  I shouldn’t matter so deeply.  My opinions are mine and they are highly valued and important - to me - but no one else should be so influenced, should they?

Honestly, there have been people in my life who have judged me - fairly or unfairly - and I could shrug them off and think, “fuck them, too” and mean it wholeheartedly.  It was rare (or never) that I thought that about my grandmother, though.  I hope others around me are able to sift through my endless flowing stream of opinions, advice and criticism (well meant or otherwise) and pick through to distinguish the sand for the pearls of wisdom, tossing aside the sand with a casual “fuck you, too” to me.

Posted by Liberty on 10/29 at 11:50 PM
Posted under: See-Through

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