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Monday, April 07, 2014

Spirit Speed Dialing

It often itches at me that my parents and grandparents have passed.  Obviously, it’s rough during holidays - Christmas, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, their birthdays, etc. but sometimes it’ll hit me hard in the gut for no particular reason.

Yesterday was one of those random times.

I guess it’s been on my mind a lot, lately, anyway.  I was able to have a pretty good view of what a grandma can (should? might?) look like by watching my own grandmother, but I watched her from the perspective of a grandkid, not a mother.  We learn from what we see around us, and the lessons we learn change over time.  When first a mother tells her child that no, one does not eat ice cream right before dinner, a child’s lesson might be that Mommy is mean and wants to keep the ice cream for herself.  Heh.  Eventually, the lesson is that Mom is the boss and begging, pleading tantrums and bribing will not change that fact.  Obviously, the eventual lesson is that healthy, wholesome, substantial food must be the basis of one’s diet and that ice cream doesn’t fit that bill.  But you see?  It’s a lesson a parent teaches over, and over, and over.  And each time, the lesson morphs and shapes differently.  What one learns from a grandparent as a child is different than what one learns as an adult.

I had hoped to learn from my mother and grandmother how to be a mom and how to be a grandma.  I had hoped to see the lessons shift and change as I grew older.  What I maybe missed with my grandma, I had hoped I would maybe understand better through my mother.

But I never got that chance.

It’s sad and frustrating.  To some extent, even with the best of role models and the most fabulous of experiences, we’re all sort of flying blind.  The first time we do anything, no matter how much we’ve studied or read or analyzed, it’s still our first time and it’s still scary - and a little hard - to actually do.  But without role models to compare as examples, it’s even harder.

Lately, it’s hard not to feel like a failure.  It’s hard not to look around and wonder what in the heck I’m doing and how to put things back on track.  I feel so alone.  Some of my friends are in reasonably relate-able situations, but many (most?) are not.  I feel like I bring something up and I get a blank stare and a, “Well, uh…” and internally, I can see the “Well, I would never be in that situation,” comment float past their eyes.  It’s not intentional.  It’s not unkind.  It just… is.  I guess.  It definitely leaves me feeling isolated and lonely.

Last week I dreamed of family over and over again.  My dad.  My grandma.  My grandpa.  I don’t think I dreamed of my mom, but I can’t be sure.  A part of me wanted to believe it was some spiritual intervention - visits from beyond - and even if more logically it’s just my subconscious giving me a taste of what I think I need, it was sort of comforting.  I just wish I had some sort of speed dial to the other side.

Posted by Liberty on 04/07 at 06:17 PM
Posted under: See-Through

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