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Friday, December 02, 2005

Still Climbing

Each of us does what we feel we have to do in life and we try to do what we think we need to do.  Rather unfortunately, our paths do not always lead to the destination we originally intended.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in paradise, other times in Hell.  Mostly, though, the scenery is left up to interpretation and where we are is only good or bad subjectively.

So, from day to day my perspective of the view changes.  Sometimes, it changes from hour to hour or minute to minute.  My road just changed from desolate nothingness to a hard and rocky path that quite possibly will bring me to the refreshing pool of self actualization that I long for.  Hopefully, it’s all in perspective and I won’t take a wrong turn.

(April 4, 1997)

I was 23 and in the middle of some hardcore postpartum depression.  Truthfully, I was quite insane and quite unsafe, but at that point I had found an ideal, a hope, a moment to grab on to and was desperate to follow a dream (which in the end didn’t pan out, but that’s actually beside the point.) 

The point is, I was right, and this entry speaks with more clarity than any of the others I read tonight.  Some small part of me was terrified to set off on this task.  Facing the past can be entertaining, but it can also be miserable.  Having to face all of my choices and chances (and missed chances) again seemed like it would be torture.  Instead, I found great joy in reliving the good and realizing how far I’ve come away from the bad.  Yes, the good and bad are all subjective.  Some of my most miserable moments (at least by the way I wrote about them) seem so trivial, now.  Of course, it helps that I know how things turned out and that I was truly worrying about nothing, but I had no way of knowing it would turn out to be nothing, now did I?

The particular journal I picked up was two years of chaos, pain, joy, sin, pleasure, destruction, creation, and imagination.  They were the years in which I discovered a great deal about what I was capable - and incapable - of doing.  Years in which depression nearly took me - forever.  Years in which I found hope and solace in the eyes of two males, but not the two in whom I thought I could find the peace and love for which I hoped.

So, as is to be expected for someone without a life plan (or really, *any* kind of plan) I have not at all ended up where I anticipated I would.  In my mind’s eye, I expected I would have a college degree, be well immersed in my teaching career, and certainly only have one single child.  I didn’t expect to still be married to TDO (a harsh thing to admit, but the truth none the less) and I never expected I would be living in California.  This is not who I thought I would become, this is not how I thought things would be, these are not the images that were in my mind when I was twenty-three.  Still, I am grateful for the way things have turned out, in so very many ways.  The wheel of time spun and this is where I landed.  At least I feel that I have landed.  I have a home.  I have a family.  I have a place.  These are things I didn’t feel I had when I was twenty-three, in spite of technically having all of them.  What changed?

I did.

From the inside out.

Not only did I realize what I had, but I am able to acknowledge the value and be proud of it all, including the contributions I have made.  Instead of feeling lost and betrayed and cheated, I simply feel lost and without direction.  At least I feel like I have come here on my own two feet rather than having just landed here randomly, as I certainly felt when I was living my life at the time of this April entry.  I’ve learned I can’t control everything, but I do have choices.  There are _always_ choices.

Looking back, I realize that the hell may not have been as hellish as I imagined it, but I can still see the fires through which I walked (voluntarily or otherwise) and yes, I do feel like I was, in some strange way, purified and reborn.  Have I reached the top of that mountain of self actualization?  Of course not.  But I plan on making that a life long journey.  This was simply a reminder to keep climbing.

Posted by Liberty on 12/02 at 01:38 AM
Posted under: 31 Days

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Comments

Pooka Pooka  at  12/02/05 04:22 AM

Years ago.  I try not to remember all that went on so long ago.  Dunno if that’s a good idea or not.

R.

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