Saturday, March 02, 2002

The Twins

The Twins have been causing me great distress lately.  Well.  No. It’s not really The Twins causing the trouble, it’s the fact that in the last two weeks, they’ve gone from being milk spigots to just being, you know, flesh.  In the process, I’ve had to deal with physical (and hormonal) changes, as well as some big emotional stuff.

Yeah.  Jenica has weaned herself.  After she was done throwing up during the week of Valentine’s Day, she didn’t want to nurse anymore.  At first I thought she had just lost her appetite and that she’d get back to her 2 or 3 times a day schedule.  Of course, it had dawned on me that she might be weaning, too.  I was in denial, though, and I didn’t want to acknowledge that openly.  So, I let it go.  I figured I’d let her tell me when she was ready to nurse again.

In four days, she nursed three times, and then only as a comfort nursing, not really for food.  After that, she outright rejected my breast anytime I’d offer.  The thing is, it really has been a long time in coming.  She’s been slowly cutting down on the number of times per day she was nursing, as well as the length of feedings.  I have not been engorged at all.  My sad little saggy twins have never filled at all.  The first couple of days while Jenica was ill, they firmed slightly, but they never really filled completely.  It was just time, that’s all there is to it.

Just as Jenica had received comfort from nursing, so did I.  I wasn’t ready for her to wean, even if she was.  She’s my last baby.  My last chance at those special tender moments.  My last chance to have those big blue eyes look up at me as she suckles and for me to stroke her hair and sing to her our silly nursing songs.  My last chance to make her giggle and see milk running out of her mouth and dribble down which ever twin she was currently working on.  Indeed, it is a sad thing to let go of that precious time.

What I have been reminding myself is that this does not mean I won’t have cuddle time and giggles.  We’ll still have our private jokes and she’ll still watch me with those big beautiful eyes as I hold her close.  Even though I don’t nurse the boys anymore, I still have plenty of loving and wonderful moments with them throughout the day.  So while my baby is growing up, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just different.  Not only is it different, but it’s exciting.  She’s going to grow up to be a lovely young woman some day with thoughts and hopes and dreams of her own and since her birth, I’ve had to let go of her just a little bit more each day so she could become that woman.  It’s not easy, but it’s part of my job if I’m going to raise her to be an independent person.  Good thing I’ll never have to let go completely.

My time mourning the loss of my last baby’s babyhood is over and now it’s time to celebrate getting my body back.  Today is the day I’m going to go buy some really beautiful, sexy, silky, lacy, frilly bras (hey, maybe even some matching panties) and I’m going to rejoice in getting back the one size all the time twins.  They’ll be even (or as even as they ever were) all day, every day.  With the slight exception of sexual arousal and PMS, they won’t fluctuate at all in size, shape, or density.  MINE… all mine, unless I let my best friend play with them.  (That’d be my husband, in case you were wondering.  Heh.)  I can wear dresses again and work on losing weight actively.  I don’t have to worry about leaking and if I want to be gone for several days at a time, I can!  Not that I would, but… I can.  Just knowing I could have the freedom if I wanted it is extremely pleasant.

A part of me is still a little sad, but only in the way any mother is a little sad when she realizes her kids are growing up.  I’ve been very lucky to be able to nurse all three of my children and I’m grateful Jenica waited until she was past 12 months to wean.

On an altogether different note, the reason I didn’t take The Twins out yesterday is because I made a trip to San Jose to visit a very important friend of mine.  The past weeks have been heart wrenching not only because of my issues with Jenica weaning, but because I was feeling pretty awful over some very bad feelings between this very important person and I.  She and I may never make up or get back to being friends the way we were, but at least I got the chance to tell her I love her and that she means the world to me, even if we did manage to fuck things up pretty miserably this time.  As long as she knows I truly care and that I am very sorry for causing her upset, I’m ok to live with wherever things go from here.

As I told one friend, I climbed off my high horse, wiped the egg from my face, and ate a bit of crow as I took a leap of faith in friendship.

In Other Years:

I was lazy and didn't write anything.

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