Sunday, January 01, 2006
Many long years ago I read of a belief (I believe Hawaiian in origination, but I could be mistaken) that when you shake someone’s hand, a sort of psychic thread forms between you and the other person. Depending on how frequently you are in contact with that person or how near or far that person is from you, the thread may stretch and thin or else become stronger and more defined.
It is with great certainty that I manage to form similar threads between all people with whom I am in contact, even if they are people I have never met face to face. Most of the time, I find great comfort in the, well, not web, certainly nothing so organized and mathematical as that, but perhaps nest of fibers that has become my network of friends and acquaintances. Sometimes, though, a thread grows too thin or is intentionally cut off (by myself or the other person) and I find my entire world shaken, or even shattered.
Recently, I lost a good friend of many, many years. He was very generous, very kind to me. He has always been support for me through thick and thin, good and bad. While I have tried to do the same for him, I clearly failed and while I fault him not in his decision, he severed ties between us with great finality and definitive action. I have no recourse in getting in touch with him as I have been firmly blocked from his life. It is through nothing but my own neglect that such has occurred, but I am at a loss for how to resolve the issue. It seems that the best I can do is to move forward and hope that he, at least, is happier for his decision.
Now I find myself in a tangled mess of threads again. So many threads, so little time, so very little energy and resources. I want to give and give and do and make everyone else happy, but I’m lost in the tangle and can’t manage to find which thread goes to whom or how to get back to, well, my own fiber. I feel overwhelmed and anxious, like standing on the edge of the sea, trying to move my sandcastle grain by grain away from the edge of disaster, knowing I will fail. To the friends I have let down: forgive me. To the friends I will let down: forgive me. To the friends who are disappointed: forgive me. To the friends who can not forgive me: I wish you well still, now and for always.
God help me, but I love you all, even if I can’t make you all happy. You are all my beautiful, precious, important, special, wondrous snowflakes and if I have spread myself too thin, do not think that I love any of you any less or that you are any less important. Please understand, I beg of you, I am merely one person and a very, very fallible one at that.
Jeanne at 01/01/06 09:55 AM
I never like to comment when some one is purging themselves as you so often do here. I do think I know what you mean though. Or more accurately, what I see in what you have written I can see something identical in me. It may not be the same, but it is what I have taken from your words.
I hope that those on the other end of your threads will understand that until you take care of you, you will never have anything to give to them.
Krush at 01/03/06 09:42 AM
Lots of Love to you…just an IM or email away. I know you have other things going on in your life (as do others who visit, I’m sure) and am just glad for the time I do get to read your blog or comments, emails, IMs to me.)