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Thursday, November 04, 2004

You Don’t Know Me

Thanks to Billy Joel for this little song. 

bq. She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes.
And she can ruin your faith with her casual lies.
And she only reveals what she wants you to see.
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me.

bq. She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you.
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe.
And she’ll take what you’ll give her as long as it’s free.
Yeah, she steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me.

bq. Oooh, she takes care of herself.
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time.
Oooooh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in,
she just changes her mind.

bq. And she’ll promise you more than the Garden of Eden.
And she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding.
But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be.
Blame it all on yourself, cause she’s always a woman to me.

bq. Oooh, she takes care of herself.
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time.
Oooooh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in,
she just changes her mind.

bq. She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel.
But she can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool.
And she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree.
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
but she’s always a woman to me.

It’s no wonder everyone thinks women are evil.  We are.

So here I stand before you, my readers showing another glimpse of me.  I’ve emailed some of you.  I’ve chatted with a few of you on IM.  I’ve spoken with many of you on the phone.  Some of you have given me the pleasure of meeting you in person.  I won’t claim to _know_ any of you, not really.  It’s sort of funny, though.  So many people think they know me.  So many people claim to know what I’m like, how I am, who I am. 

You don’t. 

You don’t know me.  You can’t judge me.  You can’t claim to love me.  You’ll never be in my head, in my body, know my heart, feel my pain, experience my joys.  Sure, part of the point of all this is to share a little of that and hope that connections are made, that experiences are shared.  Still, the circle will never be complete.  Just as I will never fully know any of you, you shall never truly know me.  Don’t presume too much.  Don’t presume too little.  What is behind my words, my eyes, my skin, my mystery is mine, and mine alone.

I received a rather interesting email.  Most of the ones like this I just delete as I find them amusing and/or offensive.  This one was mostly just insipid with the complete and utter lack of punctuation and the lazy grammar and spelling.  Still, it’s the first one I’ve had in a long time and I think it ties in well with this whole one sided conversation.

From: “stephanie hatton” *********.******@ntlworld.com
To: liberty @csth.com
Cc: *********.******@ntlworld.com
Sent: Saturday, October 30, 2004 1:46 PM
Subject: sending you love from me and matt

Hello been reading your page’s, and have came to the conclusion that you and that other guy"Firethingyma bob???” have some serious problems with the world, as it is through the eyes which you seem not to see to clearly out of at this time…
You have problem as do we all

First… who’s Matt?  Why is he sending his love with Stephanie or why not just send it himself?  What “page’s” (incidentally, I don’t think my pages own anything aside from my words, and even those they don’t really possess, they just hold) has she been reading?  Clearly not enough if she thinks a half assed email is somehow going to reform me into seeing the world through her eyes.  Secondly, f she’s so concerned about how I have problems with the world, why does she continue to read those pages?  (Er, excuse me, page’s.)  I’m not sure if she meant to continue with all the problems we all have or if that was truly all she meant to write.  It left me wondering if there was more.  It was really left hanging.  I thought it amusing that she sent it CC to herself.  Perhaps she’s the only one who writes herself.

Let me point out that I’m glad to be put in the same class as “Firewalk”:http://scarythingsinmyhead.com/ as he and his “people” (including and especially “Krush”:http://thereapyfailed.com/) are some of the kindest, smartest, most incredible people.  So hey, if my vision is clouded by the same lack of clarity, I’ll take that as a high compliment.  I’m just concerned that this poor woman doesn’t really “get” where we’re coming from.  But then, that goes back to my original statement.  Does anyone?  Probably not.  I can’t say I do.  It’s all just part of the egomaniacal blogging world.  We love ourselves.  We love to hear ourselves talk. 

Don’t expect to silence me anytime soon.

I actually like who I am, who I have become, what I can do, what I know.  Oh, sure, brag to your friends that you can play the mandolin.  Just because my talents are far more subtle and more suitable for private performances doesn’t make them any less desirable.  I only show glimpses of my true self and true talents.  You all only know a tiny bit.  Personally, I like it that way. 

There’s something to be said for half-truths and veiled innuendos.  There’s something to be said for mystery and cryptic messages.  I recently told “Pooka”:http://www.paperscreams.com/ that I felt his poetry would appeal to a wider range if he simplified it and made it less cryptic, but you know what?  I was dead wrong.  Darling, you write as mystically and obscurely as you like, love.  It’s part of who you are and part of why I adore you so much.  Besides, we all have a right to our secrets.

This is my world.  Right here.  On these pages.  You may visit my world, but you don’t own it.  You don’t know it like I do.  You don’t even live here.  I’m queen of this fucking universe and I plan on keeping it that way.  You can’t chase me away.  You can’t shut me up.  You can’t make me censor my venom, my spirit, my very essence.  Take it or leave it, I don’t care.  I’m content to be here as is - with or without you.

Posted by Mommy on 11/04 at 02:19 AM
Posted under: See-ThroughThe Soundtrack

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Pooka  at  11/22/04 10:13 AM

Thank you for that.  I don’t think it was working well, now that I look back.  Secrets aren’t.

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